Inadequacy

Been exploring this feeling of inadequacy lately. It’s one of those things for me that go layers and layers and even more layers deep. Yes, I know I always talk about how we are enough as we are, and yes, of course I do believe this. I have been saying the “I am enough” affirmation for years and years, so that’s why I’ve been kinda surprised lately that when I notice things feeling icky inside, often the deep root of the icky feeling is me not feeling like I'm enough. I remember hearing long time ago that whenever you feel better or worse than something or someone it’s always the ego. It’s a good reminder lately that when I feel inadequate or better than someone, it’s just my mind, just the ego, not the truth. Then, I can do my best to take some breaths, allow those thoughts to pass, and ask myself how I can find my way back to love. 

I could go on about my past and my childhood and explain why the feeling of inadequacy is a very sticky spot for me, but I have a feeling that going into it will only help to keep it more alive. I will say that one of the things I’m learning from this process is that no matter what I try to contort myself into, nothing is ever going to be enough to make someone else happy, and, even if it does make them happy temporarily, I can’t count on that to fill that empty void inside myself that I feel, even if my mind tells me it will. It helps me to remember that I only need to be enough for me, and that being enough for me does not have any requirements except willingness. 

When I encounter people hurting inside in one way or another, I am so sensitive to that and feel it so deeply. I think since I was younger I always wanted to fix it because of the way it made me feel, so then I’d do my best to jump through hoops and do things like entertain or perform as a way to temporarily stop it. It’s a hard pill to swallow for me to remember that each person’s path is their own, and no matter what I do I cannot control someone else’s ability to allow joy in. And, I don’t have to need someone else to “be happy” to make me feel comfortable. All I can do is love them and be with them, and even if I am sensitive, I’m learning that I can sit with these feelings and let them pass through me. All of this seems to take some weight off my shoulders. It feels vulnerable and uncomfortable and scary to share but I think this means I’m on the right path.

That’s all for now. I feel a bit ramble-y with this and I don’t have it all figured out yet (will I ever anyway? lol) but thought I’d share so definitely please comment or email me here if you can connect to any of this or have anything to add. 

So much love, and yes, I will say this again. You are enough just the way you are. Layer by layer by layer, just keep letting go of all the things that you think you’re supposed to be as they come up. I’m right there with ya. 

xx

Love you love you love you,

Kat 

Surrender

Surrender. 

This is a difficult word for me because I used to equate it with weakness. I see a new meaning in it now, one where it is actually true strength. If you’re thinking: “bullshit”, then I urge you to read on. Lol. Surrender requires courage, which means to me, to act from the heart, rather than the mind. I listened to a Gabby Bernstein talk on YouTube just before this and one thing that stuck out to me that she said was: “ask for the good of all versus what you think you need”. Damn. I’ve spend a lot of time asking and wishing for things I think I need to be happy, and then I get very bent out of shape when they don’t come. Today I thought: “OMG what if those things I’ve been asking for, I only think I need to be happy.” It felt so true in my bones I couldn’t not deny it. Then I realized that so much of my energy was being expended asking for these things that may or may not even make me happy, or may make me happy temporarily, and then even more energy dealing with the disappointment and the existential crises that occur when things don’t come exactly the way I think they should. When I imagined asking for the good of all instead of the things I think I need, I felt this immense weight lift off my shoulders, I felt more open and receptive, and a hell of a lot more calm. In fact, I had more energy and was inspired to actually write this (which I wasn’t even planning to) so that was pretty cool.

The reason I say surrender requires strength and courage is because it is actually somewhat “easier” to let the mind rattle off the things and ways and conditions it needs to be fulfilled. “I need a house, to be married within the next year, a kid by this time so that I have enough time for two more by the time I’m this age, I need to meet a significant other by this date at this place and they will be this tall with this job, I need that promotion, I need that new pair of shoes by the time that event comes, I need this amount of followers more than that person, I need this amount of likes on this Insta post to ever post another one, I need…I need…I need…” Does it ever end? And, are any of those actually true? If you’re thinking: “Fuck yeah they’re true”, see what happens if you take a few deep breaths with your hand on your chest, and then ask yourself again. I’m not here to say don’t ever want things or have desires or plan things or enjoy this amazing material world because we have a shitload of fun stuff here to play with and enjoy, I’ve just noticed when I take the “I NEEEEEED ITTTTTT TO BE HAPPPYYY” tantrum-like energy out of the equation, it saves me a whole lot of stress and anxiety. So in those moments where I want to fall back into old patterns, it does take courage to say, “Ok, maybe this isn’t actually the best thing for me or the world right now. Maybe the billions of forces that have run this universe for this long ass time, many I don’t even understand or know, have a different plan than me needing to get a 7pm reservation at that restaurant or for me to make the 3:27pm bus. Maybe when it rains, it doesn’t mean the universe hates me. I laugh inwardly because I see how easy it is for me to fall into those patterns, and I’ve learned to keep gentleness and compassion in my back pocket when it’s particularly strong. This, too, takes courage. Having a solo dance party in your living room (pets much welcomed, if they are there) also helps. 

I love youuuuu and thanks for listening. Please comment or email me here if you connected to this in any way, or just to say hi! Love hearing from you. 

And, If you know someone that would enjoy this please share the love by sharing this link.

xxKat

Role 1

So I’ve been on a bit of an Eckhart Tolle binge at the moment, I re-read Power Of Now and am currently in the middle re-reading A New Earth, next on my list is Stillness Speaks. I’ve also been watching vids on YT. Anyway, the section I’m on in the book is all about roles - questioning what roles we put on ourselves to play in our lives and whether or not we are so deeply identified with those roles that they become who we are. 

This has kind of messed me up lol because it’s like I’m starting to see even more clearly the parts of me that are in fact, playing a role, or even just expending a bunch of energy trying to enhance or keep the role alive. There is a voice in my head saying: “What do you mean, role? I’m not a ROLE! ROLLLE!?!?! That is so stupid. You’re stupid. Enough with this.” And I see now that it is simply the role trying to stay alive. Hah, good times. 

The reason I’m sharing this is because as soon as I notice and begin to allow the role to let go, it seems to bring more peace and joy to me immediately. A few examples of the roles that unconsciously I have been noticing myself playing: the “girlfriend” role, the “female” role, the “artist/creative” role, the “teacher/coach” role, the “spiritually awake person” role, the “see life positively” role, the “nice” role, the “smart” role, among many others, some that I probably haven’t even discovered yet. This is pretty damn uncomfortable to admit yet I think it is freeing because when I say them out loud they begin to lose their power.

I’m not saying that these all don’t play a function and are somewhat necessary for the world to run, but as Eckhart puts it, when we become so identified with our roles we lose our true human to human connection with others. When I first started teaching I remember being so worried about doing it wrong, trying to be what I thought a good teacher was, and even doing my best to impress my student. I needed so badly to be a “good teacher”. There was a part of me that did not want any cracks to show through, even if there were moments I didn’t know or didn’t understand something, there was a part of me that was afraid to be human and admit it because I thought it would make me look like not enough if I ever said “I don’t know”, or “can you explain further”, etc. I mean, I wasn’t like that the entire time but the times that I noticed that I can clearly see that those were the most stressful times. Nowadays, being conscious of being a human first and a teacher second has made a helluva difference. 

Even as a musician and artist, it was a huge breath of freedom when I finally learned to let go of what I thought I was supposed to be. There was a period of time where I thought I had to wear a leather jacket and killer boots, smoke cigarettes and be the life of the party, among other things. I’m not saying I won’t wear the leather jacket and boots (because come on, I love them) but I’m still an artist if I don’t. What I’m trying to say is that there’s not one way I have to be, there is not a list of rules or things to tick off to get, as Alan Watts says, the “Golden Goodie”. And that, right there, alleviates so much freakin’ pressure and frees up soooo much inner space. I spent a paragraph briefly talking about some of the “artist” things on my list, and this barely scratches the surface. Can you imagine pages upon pages, thoughts upon thoughts of other things that I think I’m supposed to be? Terrifying. Haha. It’s no wonder I’ve had so much trouble fighting myself over the years, I simply wasn’t allowing myself to be …myself. 

Anyway, it’s an ongoing process. I’m doing my best now to notice with love and compassion when I find myself stressing about something and find it’s only because I’m trying to live up to something or trying to be something or have something that I think will make me more “me”. In these moments now I do my best to not fight, because fighting won’t make it go away, but simply notice the thoughts like clouds moving in the sky, and I am the sky. 

All that being said, I really do notice when it’s not my heart and my truth and deepest wisdom fuelling my actions, I am not fulfilled and am left with a strange sense of unease. And, when it’s the voices telling me “you need to be this or have that to be a good (fill in the blank here)” it’s really hard to listen to my heart. 

I lost myself a bit while writing this but maybe that’s okay. Just a little insight into where I’m at today. I hope that connected with someone out there. Please comment or email me here and let me know if it did or I’ll be sitting here like *crickets*….*tumbleweed*….*crickets*….Bueller?….Bueller? ……..Bueller? 

And, If you know someone that would enjoy this please share the love by sharing this link.

All my deepest love,

Kat 

What The Hell Am I Chasing?

Truth be told, I'm a bit of a self-improvement junkie. If there's a way to make something "better", more efficient, more effective, quicker, life-hack-y...it's on like Donkey Kong motherf*cker. Haha. Its something I continue to notice in myself day to day, this insatiable drive that yes, has been beneficial in achieving things and goals and whatnot, however can sometimes be detrimental when I end up running around like a chicken with its head cut off forgetting what I was even chasing in the first place. I think sometimes it's just an addiction to the act of chasing, and that's a jagged-ass pill to swallow.

It's been years since I had the breakthrough where I finally saw that if I kept chasing something I would never reach my goal, as a new one would arise and I'd conveniently forget the original one, and that would go on and on and on. And yet...here I am sometimes still finding myself thinking that I don't already have everything I need right now to live a beautiful and joyful life.

Here is a quick reminder that we all have everything we need right now. I used to think that accepting my life circumstances would mean I'd settle and never change things and be stuck, and yet I've experienced the opposite.

We are all enough and deserve love the way we are, all parts of us. Perhaps the parts we see as messy or bad or let's be honest here - simply fucked up (which they actually aren't, trust me), are the ones that need love even more. I said to my partner the other day when I woke up that it feels strange to not be actively TRYING for something - whether it be improving my sleep schedule, getting more fit, gaining more energy, and whatever else my mind comes up with as the next big thing. Living in this unknown space feels terrifying yet also incredibly freeing. Honestly, the peace I've found in myself at those moments where I accept exactly as I am NOW, I realize, feels a whole lot like the thing I've been chasing all along.

If you know someone that would enjoy this please share the love by sharing this link. If you can relate, have any thoughts or feelings about this post, or have any questions or anything you’d like to see me write about, please leave a comment below or email me here. I always love hearing from you.

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Xx

Kat

We're All In This Together

As I melt into the ethers listening to the indescribable talents of Tash Sultana, I wanted to share a revelation I had today, one that I’ve always KNOWN but really FELT today. I was lying in bed having a kinda difficult morning and luckily I had no morning schedule so I allowed myself to read a bit of the current book at the top of my night table stack, (no, tower, actually) “Eat, Pray, Love” by the amazing Elizabeth Gilbert. It’s about the millionth time I’ve read it and I find it affects me in different ways every time. Every so often it calls to me from my bookshelf and I happily oblige. It was one of my favourite parts, her at the secret rooftop point of the Ashram, instructions for “letting go” in hand from her friend, the plumber/poet, all alone at that beautiful moment in space and time, the only one in charge of forgiving the past to finally be able to move on with her life. 

It hit me so hard because, though I do not know her personally, or even have the same story as her, I could feel what she was going through so deeply and could apply it to something lately that I’ve been working on letting go of. And so, the revelation came, sinking deep into my skin and bones and beyond and I knew it with every molecule (and beyond) that I am. It’s simple as this - we’re all in this together. This image of us all as these tiny little nerve endings in the great grand being of the world, no, bigger than that - the universe, has been so comforting to me as of late. It’s as if we’re each a cell that makes up this great grand being of our bodies (and beyond), and when I draw that comparison it makes me fall to my knees in gratitude and surrender, realizing that I both know everything and nothing.  

It’s so easy to think that no one understands or no one gets what I’m going through, but I realize now that this is just an illusion. Who better to understand than a fellow human? In the past I’ve played victim many times, thinking my past and what I’ve had to deal with is either better or worse than others. Lately I’ve been asking myself is this helpful? Is this how I want to feel? And the answer shines through with a big resounding definite NO. And really, I’m the only one who has to live with the way that what I think affects my day to day. 

Even if there are different ways that we have been wounded and scarred, we all wear the same wounds and scars. It’s part of being human, and I’m learning, is part of being alive. It’s how we are connected, and another comforting thought to me lately is we are made to heal.  

That’s all for now friends. If you know someone that would enjoy this please share the love by sharing this link. You never know what it could lead to, though it seems like small action. if you are feeling called to in your gut know that it’s important though easy sometimes to dismiss, especially if it’s different than what you usually do. And, if you can relate, or have any thoughts or feelings please leave a comment below or email me here. I always love hearing from you. We need each other now more than ever. 

Also, for more like this and other updates subscribe to my mailing list here.

Big love and big hugs. I couldn’t do this without you. 

xx

Kat 

When Loving Yourself turns to Suffering

i wanted to write today about this idea of “loving myself”. i’ve been so into this idea for years now, “self-love” and “love yourself first” etc. and it’s a great thing, it really is. today, though, i realized why i’ve been caught in a pattern that has been causing me dissonance. i listened to both alan watts and ram dass this morning, and something stuck out to me more than usual. it’s like, i just understood it in my body. the thing that kept me stuck was an idea of what “loving myself” looked like. that put pressure on me because anytime i wasn’t behaving or thinking or feeling that way i would feel bad and suffer, judging and punishing myself. i had this story or this picture of what a person who “loved themselves” looked like and i just could never measure up, so i was continuously feeling like a failure anytime i had a thought. 

alan watts reminded me that one of the buddhist principles is to stop desiring things because that leads to suffering. the conundrum comes when, though, the student realizes that the desires won’t stop, and the desire to stop desiring becomes a new thought loop that leads to suffering. he said, “desire to desire exactly the amount as you are desiring in that moment”, versus desiring to not desire at all. i nearly fell to my knees in the kitchen as i was making my lemon water. i realized that in all my work lately, including certain things that i’m really working on, that i somehow feel less than when my humanity comes forth and i think or feel things i’m not “supposed to”. so even in the past, that idea of “loving myself” came at a price because any time that i had a so-called negative thought about my body or myself or went into an old place of punishment, etc., i’d judge that thought and judge the judgement and as you can see that would just send me down the rabbit hole.

today in the video, ram dass was talking about instead of thinking of loving yourself, maybe focus on accepting yourself. for all that you are, all that you do from moment to moment. embrace the humanity. there is no need to be “perfect”, for all the human things about you do make you perfect.

anyway, that really made something shift in me today that i’m excited about so wanted to share. onward and upward friends. 

i love you all, we are all in this together. 

xxkat

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

I am Happy. Whaaaat?!

As I sit here in my cozy robe, slippers on my feet that were a gift from a dear friend, in my safe and comfortable apartment, getting to carve out some space to do one of my favourite things ever - writing, I am happy. I am happy. Wait, what?! Honestly, I never thought I’d ever be the person that would say that, never mind feel it. My heart is filled with gratitude, I feel full, and open, and soft. In this moment I know that I am love, I am connected, and know why I’m here. I see all the things that came before, both the “good” and “bad”, and for the first time ever I feel like there’s not a thing I would change. 

Now, this isn’t the case every day but I wanted to document this because it’s huge for me. Both the feelings themselves, and also the sharing of the feelings. I’m learning that this is a huge part of my healing. Recognizing these good feelings, allowing myself to sit with them and also sharing them. It feels weird doing it so I know I’m on the right path. I think something that also helped with this was sharing my thoughts last week when things were feeling pretty low and I was having a hard time. This is a great reminder to me that allowing myself to be honest and feel and share those things maybe helped me get to this place that I can share this too. As I learned awhile ago from the amazing Brené Brown, I cannot selectively numb feelings. If I continuously numb the more difficult ones to feel, then I also numb myself from the joy and the love and all that yummy stuff. So I guess in the same way if I’m not able to be honest and express the more difficult feelings, it makes it impossible to express the other side of it too.

I also remember reading about this in treatment programs I’ve been in, that sometimes that good feelings, the still feelings, the joy and the peace are actually triggering to people that have PTSD like me. I did not believe it. Well, maybe I never thought that I’d actually even get to the place that I’d feel the good feelings so I’m like “meh, don’t need to worry about that!” And now…here I am. The good feelings feel weird, but also exciting. When I feel them, I remind myself that nothing bad is going to happen, I remind myself that I deserve to feel them, that I’m safe, and they are part of life. 

I said in this tiny voice to Fred the other night, “I don’t think I deserve to be this happy”. And he said so easily without any hesitation, “Everyone deserves to be happy. No one is left out.” I melted into a puddle. And this is one of the many reasons I am so deeply in love with this man. 

So, I’ll keep sharing whoever I am in whatever moment I write and trust that it’s enough, for no other reason then it feels good to do it. And *deep breath* I deserve to feel good. We all do.

All my love, 

xxKat 

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

Taking Off The Mask

As I write more and more of these blogs, I think I’m learning to give less and less shits. Hah. My mind went off there already thinking “that’s so dumb, why would you say that, what will people think, that’s not who you’re supposed to be,” and so on. Moving on.

In the past I didn’t even realize I was doing this, but I’d tend to write about things that were already kinda dealt with, versus things that I was smack in the middle of. There was something I saw as so shameful about me saying “I have no idea”, or “I’m having a hard time”, or whatever. Sometimes I feel like I need to have it all figured it out before I present myself or share things. (Flashbacks to being a kid, needing to know the answer, feeling ashamed or stupid or being punished because I didn’t. Letting that go now ‘cause it’s in the past….whoooooshhhh.)

K back to now. Am I stalling? I think I’m stalling. I’ve talked about this a bunch of times, and TW to anyone who is maybe going through an eating disorder or body dysmorphia issues or anything like that. It definitely has had its ups and downs, and I so badly want to write a blog saying “I’ve conquered it!” “I love my body now!” “I’ve figured it out and here’s the answer!” But fuckkkk…I don’t. The more time I spend trying to figure it out it feels like I’m running in circles. (Though, I also noticed - well my therapist gently reminded me lol - that I tend to ignore my progress, or see how far I’ve come. With that in mind, I do see how much it has transformed from the periods in my life that it was very very unhealthy. I feel so grateful that I was able to survive.)

Anyway, this is just me saying I’m going through a hard time, and yet… I’m still okay. Maybe this is necessary, it doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong or bad, it’s just that I’m actually facing the truth and admitting things to myself and others I never have before. Maybe this is what healing looks like. The feelings that I’m learning were numbed by these behaviours are all starting to rise up, and I feel myself toggling between the feeling and the numbing and it’s just exhausting.

I don’t have to have all the answers, nor do I have to be the girl who’s figured it out. I wanted to share my progress because it feels honest. I’m kinda sorta proud of myself to have come this far and be able to even share this stuff. I’ve been wearing “everything is awesome” masks for as long as I can remember, and I’m ready to let that shit go. I realize that the more I try to keep these masks on, even subconsciously, it actually severs my connection with other people, because it’s not really me. And one of the reasons I think I put the masks on in the first place was because I really want to connect.

Big sigh. So, there’s me. Sending you all my love, and thanks for listening. It’s okay not to be okay. Just keep holding on. I see you, I feel you, and I love you.

xxKat

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

Change doesn't happen without change

So, we got a scale near the beginning of the pandemic. To some, not a big deal. To me however, pure terror. I made a point to keep a scale away at all costs, due to my history of eating disorders and body dysmorphia and all the other sorts of shapes and ways and forms it has taken, but I was like “nah, I’ll be fine”. So it started. Every single morning. Weighing myself. Watching the numbers go up and down was like this crazy rollercoaster ride. There was the split second before I stepped on being like “please please please please be less than it was yesterday”, and some days the thinking of all I ate the day before and dreading it was going to be more, the negative self talk, the tone of my day being set by those little numbers on the scale, down to the decimal. Fast forward a few months. I remember being gently recommended to go down to once a week, as I was mentioning to this person that I was just so tired of it driving me completely nuts and really affecting my days. I told her I wanted to fight her on it, I hated her in that moment (lol), and that there was no way I could do it. Everything in me was deathly afraid to do it because I was so afraid to lose control. We talked about a few other things as well and I felt my perspective slowly changing. It felt scary as hell but I remembered that if I wasn’t willing to see things in a new way, or welcome new, more true beliefs, I could potentially be stuck in the suffering forever. It wasn’t going to go away on it’s own. I needed to do something differently now for something different to happen. I could blame, and shame, and distract, and cry, and yell, and wail, and complain, and still nothing would happen unless I took a step. And deep down, I knew what the right thing to do was when I let myself see it.

As I’ve written about before, when things happen that are unexpected, it’s challenging for me. I so desperately want to be one of those “go with the flow” type people, and I’m working on it. It is getting easier and easier. I also remember doing some work with my therapist about some of my values, and it turned out that one of my values was to experience a variety of things in life. And yet - here’s the breakthrough - that when things happen differently I resist it and freak out. So, perhaps all of this that I’m doing is exactly what I need to do to live the kind of life that feels fulfilling to me. 

I always talk about wanting change, getting better, not seeing things happen fast enough, etc. Yet, when it comes to my thoughts and old belief patterns, there’s a part of me that wants to hold on so desperately. I’ve been having to remind myself that to see change, I must change. I must be willing to open up to new perspectives, see things in different ways, accept that old belief systems and old thoughts and fears and whatever must be changed to see the manifestation in my life. Those old little monsters like to hold on. They are familiar, they are “safe”, or rather, they want you to believe that they are safe. The new ideas that feel like “what, life can be like that?”, usually the ones that are shut down by another thought, “oh that’s not for me”, or “oh, must be nice”, etc. may actually be safer, they just seem dangerous because they are not familiar. 

I’m learning to ask myself if the old thoughts and beliefs are really serving me, and keeping my goals and values in mind for my life when I choose which way to go. It’s important to remember that there’s nothing “wrong” or “right”, it’s all simply a choice and you get to do the choosing. Sometimes our minds just get a bit tangled up and make us feel like we have no choice, and the new things are not even an option. 

They definitely are. We are all limitless beings. As soon as we are able to shed the blame and stories of the past and the whys (and I’m in the same boat here), we realize that right here, right now, there are endless possibilities. The road ahead may not be easy, but for me just the baby step in the new direction that feels more like my truth is already something to be proud of and something to use as fuel to keep going. 

Finally, you don’t have to keep walking and walking. It’s okay to take a break and just enjoy the view sometimes. Your body will tell you. It’s okay to sit back and relax because again, there is nothing, and I repeat, absolutely nothing wrong with where you are right now. 

That’s all for now. Sending you all the love

xxKat

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

The Present brings Meaning to the Past

K so I’ve spent a lot of time talking about my past. With friends, with family, and very extensively in therapy. I’ve even started many of these blogs with stories from the past. I’m noticing that often I use the past to explain my actions now. For example, “I act like this because of my dad”, or “I can’t trust because my ex cheated on me”, etc. It almost becomes like this scapegoat for me, and it has been a jagged ass pill to swallow admitting to myself that I’m the only one who is allowing these past events (or at least the way my mind remembers them) to influence my current behaviours. I am also learning to be compassionate with myself, because I understand too that I have used these things as an excuse to stay with what was familiar, so I didn’t have to try anything new or challenge any beliefs or anything. The old beliefs are so familiar, like that pair of shoes you just don’t want to give up even though they’re full of holes and hurting your ankles. 

I’ve mentioned Alan Watts before. I remember listening to a video of his where he was talking about the idea that we can only bring meaning to the past in the present. This was a huge breakthrough for me when I heard him compare this idea to to music, and language. In music, the notes that follow in a melody are what give context to the notes that came before. Same thing in language - if you say “I love…”, what follows that is really what is creating the meaning of that sentence. 

Man, it’s so easy to go back into the past to find the reason or reasons for the way I’m acting, the way I’m thinking, for the things in my life that I’d like to change. The best way to change is to simply just…change. Haha. Right now. It is really quite that simple, though my mind is arguing me every step of the way. When I really look at it though, all the arguments my mind has are just thoughts that I used to think or things that I used to do, or things that have happened in the past. My mind has no actual “present moment” argument. 

I remember reading an Eckhart Tolle book, I forget if it was A New Earth or The Power Of Now, but there was something about what if you were just in this moment without having to blame or direct anything to the past? What if there was no reason you had to go backwards to figure out what brought you right here? I remember contemplating this and all of a sudden feeling this peace and freedom and lightness come over me, and I’ve often returned to that idea as soon as I notice myself anxious or feeling stressed out. Also, another thing I often come back to is this idea of “I am a new person in every moment”. That also eases my anxieties in any given moment. When I know that I create the meaning of the past in the present moment, I can focus on doing the things I want to do, being who I want to be, and living the kind of life I want to live, now.  While each moment isn’t “perfect”, nor should it be, this idea has snapped me back from a downward spiral many a time, and has helped me continue to, well, live. 

I know shitty things have happened to me in the past, and I’m beginning to see now that it’s not those things that cause me to suffer now. What causes me to suffer now are the things I continue to keep thinking and doing and saying and believing about myself, the things that are not true. 

It’s been a bit of a weird week - lots of movement, change, growth, transition. I’m doing my best to come back to this type of thinking whenever I start to spiral. I feel you if you’ve been going through it too, in one way or another. I know our circumstances may be different but we are all human beings which means we are all going through something or the other, whether good or bad or up or down or this or that. My heart is with you. The world needs you. If you are having a hard time, just keep holding on until the next good moment. It will come, promise. 

xxKat  

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

This Moment Cannot Be Replicated

What's uuuuuuppppp friends? 
So, as you know, I’ve been noticing my “horizon thinking” for many many years now. I remember when I started noticing it, rather when I started noticing that life could be a different way. It completely shattered my world as I knew it. In a Toy Daggers song called “Always”, there was even a line that went: “Always running down to the horizon and never catching up to the sun”. Okay so I may have just watched the YouTube video and caught some feelings for the me then who wrote and sang those words. Oh 2015 or 2016 Kat, I really feel for you right now. I remember being in a therapy group for the first time at a hospital here in Toronto in a program that was for women who had experienced trauma. I remember shaking the entire time for like nearly all the sessions for however many months it was. It was the first time I had been in a situation that I had admitted it - well I guess I didn’t have to really admit it, that didn’t come until much later, but being in that program was like me saying “yep, this happened to me”. It was scary but also I started to learn what living my truth felt like, and it was very empowering and kinda a relief, even if I didn’t see it at the time. It was during that group that I also discovered what “dissociation” was for the first time. In the same song I remember writing about it during the lyrics: “I can hide behind the window and I can watch the world walking by, I can shut my eyes and stay low, where nobody can get me from the outside.” 

*To check out the lyric video for “Always” you can go to: https://youtu.be/HQNLhBGaEpE

Annnnyyywayyyy…went off there for a bit but hey what can you do. It all has to do with the topic I wanted to write about today which is…da-da-da daaaaahhhhh…

This moment can never be replicated. 

Yep, take that shit in. This moment can never be replicated. 

K, one more time with feeling.

This moment can never be replicated. 

In meditation today that hit me like a pie to the face. Just a “splat” and I was like…ohhhhh shit. 

It made me take a deep breath and I felt my heart soften and that gentle ego-dying-laughter I’ve come to know in the last little while started playing inside my body. And then I settled in. And began to see what I always knew - everything is okay in this moment. Who I am is exactly right, what I’m doing is exactly right, what I’m wearing, how I look, what the state of my apartment is, what I weigh, what and how I’m eating, how many Instagram followers I have, what the weather is like, the state of my toenails. It really is all alright. And, that whole idea that who I am and what is going on right now can never be replicated was a gentle reminder to really savour it.

Another thing I have trouble with is letting go. If I have something really good I focus more on "omg it’s going to leave" or "I need to figure out how to keep it". Another breakthrough today was that if I really really savour whatever it is, the moment, now, me, here, it does make it easier to let go. It’s because I was always into the next thing and not fully loving or not fully being present with the thing now that I found it stressful and a struggle to let go of. I realized that I was hesitant to love the now because I'd be too sad and miss it too much when it left. I see now that that’s not true, because the next moment will just bring me something new to love. Each breath is a birth and a death, an inhale and an exhale. It’s a cycle. I'm learning to be comfortable with all the parts of it so that I can really be present in my life.  

In music, I notice time and time again that if someone makes a mistake or does something “wrong” in a song, they immediately start over or for the rest of the song they mess up simply because their mind is back in bar 2 or in the first verse or whatever where they didn’t properly enunciate the word “you”, or they hit the crack in-between two piano keys. My whole mentality has always been if I make a mistake in performance, just keep going! Chances are, no one even heard, chances are, no one notices or cares, and the beauty of live music is that we’re already into the next thing. AND music demands true presence so if you’re not in with it, it doesn’t work. Again, it’s easy for me with music to let go and to not attach and to just be with what is and go with it and all that good stuff. I really appreciate every moment fully, savour it, play with it, enjoy the fuck out of it when I’m in a song or playing or performing. I know it won’t ever happen again, I sing each time like it’s the last time I’ll get to sing. I bring my full self to it, my attention, my soul, my heart, my energy. What if I lived like this too? Each moment? If I can do it with music, why not with other areas? Anyway. Stuff for me to chew on. 

If you can relate to this - horizon thinking, difficulty accepting what is, being in the moment, with music or not with music, I’d love to hear from you. Sending you all the love. 

xxKat 

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

healthy competition?

peeps. i have a confession - i have a rage-y, dark, angry, ferocious side when it comes to competition. even ask fred - we had to stop playing card games and video games for years maybe because i’d just get so upset when he’d beat me. it definitely triggered something in my past that i was unwilling to deal with at the time. i’d full on get sweaty, red, angry, and start throwing stuff sometimes. it was like one of those moments i was like “where the fuck did i go?” when this wave of emotion took over me and started dictating my actions while i watched and lost control. i used to think it was necessary to “make it” in this world, that it was just the way i was, that i needed it to succeed and be successful.

after some work (okay…a lot of work) i saw recently that this unhealthy view of competition was getting in the way of me experiencing fun things in my life. i wanted to play a freakin’ card game with my boyfriend without becoming upset and ruining the whole evening. i also saw that it was stopping me from trying new things because i was always worried that someone would be better than me. whenever i’d see someone doing something i couldn’t do at that moment, i would get mad at because i’d just put more pressure on myself and think “oh great, another thing i can’t do that i have to figure out”. it would feel like “great, just another person to make me feel shitty about myself”.

this is still an ongoing process, and i simply do my best to notice when that rage-y hot fire part of me comes out. i do my best to breathe through it, accept it, and be compassionate. i grew up in a situation where it felt like i was loved for what i did, how i performed, what place i came in, how good i was at something compared to someone else. it’s no wonder that i carried such pressure with me through my life because that was my way of seeking love.

i’m learning that i am loved no matter what i do or don’t do, and that i am valuable regardless of my external circumstance. that love and acceptance has to come from myself and that’s been my work. i forgive those in my past as i move forward, because i know that they were doing their best and just didn’t know any better.

that being said, i’m starting to see that competition can be healthy. i see that when someone does something i want to do, i can look at it with excitement and see that it inspires me to grow. i don’t have to do it, unless i want to. it lights up new desires in me that gives me things to do in this life. and even if i never get it, it’s really about the journey.

back to this - i’ve said it before, i’m fine right where i am and there is no need to be “better”. we are all enough exactly as we are. thank you for listening.

deep breaths and big hugs. i feel you and i see you.

xx

kat

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

nostalgia

hello hello! 

so i recently heard a definition of nostalgia in a way i never had thought of it before. i always thought it was just having memorable feelings about the past, but this definition actually including a longing for the past. I’m like “oh shit, yes, it is totally a longing”. and, that longing usually comes with some kind of suffering because it’s pulling me away from the present moment, or making me wish that it were that time again instead of now. i have felt these kinds of  things for a long time, always gripping so tightly to things, wishing they were like they were, resisting change, etc. but i see now that it’s a trick of the mind. i see that i’ve been choosing the things about the past that were good and conveniently forgetting about all the other stuff. all that being said, as well, it is gone, so wishing it into the present moment is impossible. 

what i can do in this moment is choose appreciation. that feels a bit better, lighter, more easy. i choose knowing that those things in the past were beautiful and use them also as information to know what i’d like to carry over into my present. also, knowing that all the things that didn’t serve me so well in the past (such as even this awakening i’m writing about right now), i can learn from and do the best i can in this moment. i remember having a thought after one experience I had in Whistler, B.C. staring at the mountains and starting to already feel the grief of having to leave, that if i experience the moment fully and take it in with all my heart, it will never leave and i can call upon it any time that i need. and i do. 

so that being said, i’m excited to be here now. wherever i am, whatever is happening. it’s all i got, so i’m choosing to change my perspective. (and when i noticing myself drifting, simply noticing and not judging.) 

gonna keep this short and sweet for this week friends. keep on keeping on. i know life can be, well, life, but we are strong, we are resilient, wise, and we got this. 

xx kat 

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

Similarities VS Differences

Wow I can’t believe it’s like the middle of January already. This year is kind of crawling by for me but I’m not mad at it. I’ve been working on slowing down, working on being okay where I am and not needing to rush and push and do things at 110%. This space has allowed for new things to come through, new understandings, new perspectives, and for that I am grateful. I also did something to my neck that hasn’t allowed me to move as fast, exercise to my fullest, and get things done the way I usually do. In the past I would have been much more angry at this, but this time I’m quite proud of myself for doing my best to allow, surrender, accept. 

So, usually after my morning routines, I sit or lie down and allow for downloads to come. Today I had this breakthrough when contemplating that dissonance that happens sometimes when I see someone who has something I want and don’t yet have. I realized that one of the things that causes this is when I search for and focus on all the things that person has that I don’t. I thought, “What if instead of this, I choose to look for and focus on the things that I do have? The similarities?” This seemed to brighten my outlook on it, and help me from going down that usual rabbit hole of self-judgment and loathing and not being good enough and never going to get where I need to be. Yes, there are differences between me and others who are in places I want to go, but perhaps those differences are what makes us all unique. The similaritiesare what is drawing me to that person in the first place, so when I feel that connection to them it means that there is something in me that is resonating with them, which means that whatever they are doing is possible for me too. 

I’m going to work with this and see how it goes. Comparison is a difficult thing for me, and I know I’m not alone there. Any little bit helps, even this seemingly tiny little shift. All I gotta do is keep going, keep on keeping on, being happy where I am, staying on my own path, and knowing I am exactly where I am meant to be. And, when I am on the other side of it, accepting and loving myself anyway. 

That’s all for today. Love you all so much and thanks for listening. 

xx
Kat 

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 

I was planning on this gigantic wonderfully beautiful transformed blog entering this year and I’m kinda bummed cause I feel kinda the same. Hmm..but not. Who knows. I’m kinda everywhere right now. Haha. I’m like, am I even ready to be writing a blog again or do I just leave it for another week? I’ve been enjoying all this time off social media and am really hesitant to return lol. It’s really tough huh. Having the time away from it made me see just how much I’ve been comparing myself. Just how much I allow my emotions and self to be taken over when I see certain posts. How it changes my view of myself, how I cannot stay in my own lane, how I feel angry and jealous and envious and all the things I know I’m not supposed to feel. And then I get down on myself because I should “know better”. Well, I think I’m learning to accept all of it and do my best not to attach to it. And when I realize I am attaching, forgiving myself and moving on. It comes in waves, and I’m learning that the more I shove it down and feel like shit because I’m feeling like shit, when I’m not on my own side, when I’m punishing and hurting myself and making myself feel guilty for things I can’t control, it only sends me further down the rabbit hole. 

Anywayyyyy…the holidays were so great!!…And so weird. I feel like I somehow need to play this role of saying “I’m so grateful and I feel so refreshed and blah blah blah”, being the nice and pleasant one but I’m doing my best to resist that because it’s true but not the entire truth. Yes, having some time to rest and watch a shit ton of Netflix and play lots of Crash Bandicoot was amazing. Yet, the whole pandemic part of it was weird, the space to feel the things that I had been using work or busy-ness to mask, not seeing family or seeing them in a quick drive by was weird and maybe even more stressful than the usual whirlwind of the actual family events.There were difficult moments, there were lots of emotions, but I think I was getting better at allowing it all. I was worried about my partner and I being in each other’s space for 3 weeks straight but we made it with minimal fighting. I think I’m finally learning that my stuff is my stuff and his stuff is his stuff and this is such a refreshing awareness that has saved me from so much suffering. We celebrated our 11 year anniversary. 

I guess one of the biggest things I’m noticing as the year turns over, is an even more than usual fear-driven desire to be “better”. To get my shit together, to relax more, to be healthier, to create a more forgiving schedule, to release more music, try TikTok more, all this stuff that starts the year stressing me out. What if it’s just a continuation, rather than this like complete 360? It’s like somehow I believe I need to clear my slate and just become a whole new person but what if that’s just not true? What if I’m fine as I am and this is just more time to play and learn and grow? What if I can just sit and breathe and be enough? 

I realized that the best things I’ve done in my life have all come when I’ve been relaxed. When it’s felt easy and natural. So, maybe this driving force that is so fucking familiar to me that wants to push and force and be quicker and prod and ridicule and manipulate reality can let go a bit. Or, it’s going to be there anyway but I can observe it and not fall prey to it. This feels almost too raw to post and I don’t know if I will but either way I’m proud of myself for even sitting here and writing because it felt like trying to cage a wild animal. I have lots of scratches now and oh boy was it a fight, but I’m here, growling and snarling but I’m here. 

Shit, maybe this is enough. Whatever is in this moment is. I don’t have to be “inspirational”, I don’t have to have something “good” to say, maybe what I feel and what is coming out of me and what is true is more than enough. This is coming into my head right now: “You are always more than enough to be who you’re supposed to be”. Wow. This hit me hard ‘cause I’m like…omg all the things I’m not and I’m stressing out over are because they’re not SUPPOSED to be what I am now, or maybe ever. Another thing was “I can always deal with right now”. So, that’s where I will begin. Now. Now. Now. One beat at a time, one breath at a time, one moment at a time. 

Deep breaths y’all. Life is ups and downs and all arounds. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong or bad, it just is what it is. Take that time to listen and be quiet and still, you’ll always know what to do. Oh yeah, today something else that came to me was this: less thinking, more listening. I think it’s helping. 

All my love, and happy 2021 my friends.
Kat

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

New Year's Eve - Follow Your Heart

It’s New Year’s Eve, 2009. I’ve just had a hell of a year but in this moment none of it even matters. The lights are out and the room is filled with candles. I’m sitting next to my best friend of nearly ten years, and never did I think we’d be together on a New Year’s Eve in this situation. He wasn’t even supposed to be here, he was meant to go to another party, he was just going to drop by my family party to say hi and then the lights all just went out. I mean, we have been getting closer than ever before in the last couple months, and yeah I kinda have a crush on him, and at at one point on Christmas Eve he put his hand on my leg and it kinda lingered for a minute while we were laughing and watching super old Simpson’s episodes. Did he mean anything by it? Did I want it to mean anything? I’ve been on tour for nearly a year and busy as hell but somehow we’ve been finding time to chat or talk or even send e-mails. And those e-mails light me up in a way I never felt before. I forgot what a rock he is, and how I remember who I am when I’m with him, how I love the person I am when I’m around him. And how much I just love him, how he makes me laugh like no one else, and how he just has to look at me and I know somehow everything’s going to be okay. Even if I’m in the middle of a divorce and my mom has just died and this is my first time home after my very first international tour and my life has kind of just blown up everywhere but expanded to this really surreal place that I don’t even know what’s real and not anymore. I remember he’s always been this for me - when everything is spinning around me like a whirlwind, he makes finding somewhere to plant my feet so easy. He’s always been just this really satisfying deep breath out. We’re sitting on two dining room chairs playing guitar and singing together, something we’ve been doing since we were kids. There are a million butterflies in my stomach, wildly flapping their wings. It feels like I’m floating, and I for the first time understand that feeling of just knowing that you’re supposed to be exactly where you are. My mind is also talking to me a lot, asking so many questions, telling me that it’ll never work, telling me that I’m moving to LA soon and it’s too much pressure because we’re best friends. Yet, there’s this magnetic force in my heart that is so strong I can’t help but listen. I’m so terrified and excited and I feel like I’m going cry as we sing “Soco Amaretto Lime”, a song we’ve loved since we were younger. I see my sister and her boyfriend in the corner of my eye, hugging each other, and holding each other, and I realize it’s the only thing I want to do with him. I’ve got tunnel vision, and a desire to make it happen stronger than anything I’ve felt before. Since the power’s out, we don’t know when the countdown to New Year’s Eve is. So we decide to just count down on our own. “10…9…8…” My whole body is trembling. “7…6…5…” We lock eyes. “4…3…2…” I move closer to him, take a deep breath. It’s now or never. “1”. I kiss him right on the lips despite any other noise going on in my head. I don’t know what’s going to happen but there’s a feeling inside that is so strong and so unwavering and so calm and so true to me that it doesn’t matter about anything else in that moment. And that kiss changed the rest of my life. Now it’ll be 11 years with the absolute love of my life this coming New Year’s. We celebrate as soon as the countdown happens and we kiss. It feels like a dream, and I always am so grateful that I listened to my heart and followed through then. If not, who knows what would have happened? 

I bring up this story because it helps me remember that I do know. I always have this feeling of “I don’t know, I’m going to mess it up, I’m not good at making the right decision, I’m not smart enough, I’m not the type of person who makes the right choice” and so on. I tend to freeze up when I have to make a choice. I used to poll people and do a ton of research and look for just the right amount of information. I’m learning that seeking information is infinite, it’s never ending. You can always argue the pros and cons of something, you can keep logically trying to figure things out until the cows come home. (Lol, where did that saying come from? I haven’t heard it in years, it makes me laugh. Another one that is coming up is “when pigs fly”. hahaha). I’m learning that I do know. If I had asked a ton of people what to do in that situation, people could have said “oh you know, I kissed a best friend of mine once, and we no longer talk”, or someone could have said “you wouldn't be best friends if you were meant to romantically be together”, or “it would have happened by now if it was meant to happen”, and so on and so forth. It didn’t logically make sense, but I did it anyway. And I realize that the best things in my life happened that way. When despite the thoughts and the opinions and whatever in my head and especially from other people I move forward with only my own vision that is so strong and so unwavering and so stubborn, I make things happen. When the piano teacher told my mom when I was three “no, her hands are too small, she shouldn’t play piano”, and my mom said “no, let her try, she won’t stop bugging me for lessons”, I found a way. There is always a way. It may not be what you planned or how you imagined but if you let yourself dream and believe, your options are limitless. 

Arianna Huffington posted something on her Instagram that said something like: “The choice you make today could be the one you look back on in five or ten or twenty years and say, ‘that’s what made me what I am today.’” Don’t quote me on that, I can’t find the original post and it was probably more eloquent then that. But you get the point. Those choices that I’ve made all have a specific feeling to them as well, as I did my best to describe above. It’s this knowing, this deep knowing that is so strong, especially when you release the thoughts and the busy brain and the opinions of others and the stories you’ve heard about this and that and the other thing. It’s something that’s so true and so unique to you that it feels like breathing, it feels like you’re lit up by a million tiny lightbulbs, it fills you with excitement and wonder and joy. Even though it’s scary or makes you nervous - in fact, these are hints that it also may be what I’m talking about here. 

I’m slowly discovering that part of my role and purpose here on this earth (at least right now, and this is pretty vulnerable and scary to say out loud) is to help other people realize their dreams and connect to that part of themselves that knows. That dreams. That believes. Whether that be through these writings, or a future book or my coaching or my music or videos art or blogs or whatever, that’s what I know. I will keep digging deeper into this and just doing what I can do. So, know that I’m on your side, and know that it’s natural to feel like your dreams are crazy or unimportant or not for you or all that. I can so relate. It’s about rising above those thoughts and stories, and other people’s thoughts and stories, and spending time connecting with that part of you inside that knows. It’s worth it, I promise. I see you. 

What are your dreams? I’d love to hear about them. Any stories to share about following your deepest instincts even when others said otherwise? How did that turn out? E-mail me or leave a comment and let me know, I’d love to hear from you. Also, if there’s anything else you’d like to see me write about let me know as well!

Have the most beautiful holiday and a very very Happy New Year! Love on yourself no matter what. Slow down. Breathe deep. Let yourself be. You deserve it. I’m taking some time off from everything starting tomorrowwww (ahhh!!) and though this is hard for me, I know it’s necessary and I’ll be back more inspired than ever. I love you all so much, thanks for listening and reading and responding and caring and loving me, especially over the last few months that I’ve really been taking risks and being more vulnerable than ever. You’re helping me heal my trust issues. Haha. I’ll be back here in a couple of weeks. Sending you more than enough love to last till then…

xx

Kat  

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

The grief just wanted me to know it was there

I’m sitting in the middle of my living room floor, on my yoga mat, as I do every morning. My mind is going at a million miles a minute. I’m feeling all sorts of tightness and pain and twisting of my insides and I’m doing my best to breathe through it. Been working through some difficult things over the last few weeks, and I’m doing my best to accept the emotions as they come, feel them, even if sometimes it’s like a tidal wave and I have no idea what way is up or down and I can’t stay afloat. I’m doing my best to keep up with “The Class”, and the instructor, Taryn, says: “Are you in grief? Love? In the void? It doesn’t matter which, simply notice.” I felt something in me release just then, as it was the first time I noticed and accepted I was in grief, without judging myself for it. 

Sometimes doing this work (the meditation, the yoga, and so on) makes me feel like I should be invincible to being a human, so any time a human thing starts to come at me, I immediately feel like I’m doing something wrong or the work I do isn’t worth it, or it’s been a waste of time. I’m slowly learning that I will always feel the emotions, because that is part of this human experience, and the work I do is to help me through it instead of turning to things I would have done in the past that are unhealthy and destructive. 

I almost felt the grief smile at me in that moment, which is a weird thing for me to think about grief doing. It was just so happy that it was being seen and heard and recognized, and it just wanted me to sit with it. All it had been wanting was for me to know it was there. I got to thinking that every time there is growth, there is a cycle. Something doesn’t just…appear. A tree, for example, starts with a single seed. A human starts with a cell. Even something like Netflix started with mail order DVDs. And, everything starts with a spark of an idea in someone’s imagination. Then, it goes through phases. What needs to be let go? What needs to change? What skin needs to shed? And on and on. I started realizing that I only wanted the harvest part of the cycle. The feel good part of the cycle. The emerging on the other side of the cycle. But, that doesn’t happen unless the other parts happen. I’m spending so much time pushing the grief away when it is what is healing me, it is what is showing me that I’m letting go of things that are no longer me. It’s a necessary part of the cycle. 

The planting of the seed, the watering, the adjustments as the plant begins to reach too much toward the light, the cleaning of the weeds, the tending to it if it has been eaten by animals - all of the things that are necessary to get the plant to harvest are just as important and beautiful as the harvest itself, are they not? I’m the only one who’s putting labels and keeping score. And what does that do? Only makes me hate where I am, and keep me stuck here, frustrated. 

In music, for example, when I’m putting together a song, the writing of it, the recording of it, the tweaking of it, etc. I enjoy all of it. So, I want to learn to apply it to my own life. 

I’m learning that I need to let myself be. If I need to cry, I let myself cry. If I need to sit on the floor and do nothing, I do it. Love myself through the grief instead of not listening and going about up my life as usual and then just being mad at myself when I can’t keep up. The grief needs tending to. AND, these moments when I feel like being hard on myself are actually the moments that I need the most tenderness and love.  

That’s all I got for today. All that being said, I still want to throw a tantrum and complain and play victim. I do my best to simply observe this. Keep peeling back these different layers of emotions and feelings and thoughts and simply observing them as part of this all. Eventually, I know they will pass. 

If anyone else is dealing with anything like this, I feel you. Sometimes it’s enough just to know someone else is going through what you are, being able to relate and connect. 

Sending you all my love,

Kat

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

Let Your Chi Flow

I’m at the Hay House conference in Toronto back in 2014. The speaker has invited the crowd to sing together, so here we all are, this beautiful group of people and the sound and vibrations are magical. As I watch myself singing, I catch myself dulling my voice down, singing quieter and feeling ashamed if I start to really get into it and sing out freely. “What the heck is going on?”, I think. I had made a couple friends during the conference, and they are on either side of me, singing too. I nearly cry as I realize this isn’t new for me. I realize that I’m afraid to sing out and sing loud because I don’t want them to hate me. I don’t want them to hear me sing and be jealous that they can’t sing as well. I don’t want to make them feel bad for not being able to do what I can do. I’m putting this all on myself because of some story that I made up or was carrying from my past, that’s actually stopping me from using my full voice. 

I talk to my therapist at the time about this, as I want to get to the bottom of it. After some hemming and hawing and me trying to distract from the actual problem, (this happens a lot in therapy for me, lol) it comes out that some people in my past have lashed out at me or made me feel bad or have said that I’m a “show off” or made all sorts of remarks that stuck with me.  Somehow I equated singing and fully expressing myself freely with making people hate me or feel bad about themselves so taking it out on me. I’m also very sensitive to other people’s pain, and have been since I was a kid so, when someone would make a mean comment or say something or not want to be my friend, I’d feel the pain and it would hurt me so bad that it was easier for me to suck it all in and pretend that I didn’t know how to sing or that I was a “worse” singer than I was. I’d become really well trained at trying to make people “comfortable”, even if it meant shoving down anything I felt. I barely even noticed the pain I felt anymore when I’d “contain” myself or try to not be “too much” or “too loud” or “too this” or “too that”, it was just always there like a dull ache, or a hum in the room you just get accustomed to. And yet, it would come out in other ways that I won’t get into right now.

My therapist then said something to me that stuck with me. She said, “You know, when I sing in groups, I actually look for people with voices like yours to follow along with. I’m not the best singer and I need someone with more of a handle on it to guide me”. This blew my mind. I had never thought for one moment that my gift and years of work that I’d put in was something that people needed  and appreciated. 

This is still an issue for me since it takes years to unlearn and repair things that have been with you since the formative years. However, I’m learning that when I am vulnerable and show myself completely (in singing or otherwise), there are people in my life that are actually loving, supportive, and caring. It actually helps me feel completely and unconditionally loved because they do not ask for anything from me, they’re just happy to see me expressing myself fully and being happy on my own. This is new to me, and feel grateful to have began to build a little support system. And, I’m also learning that I can’t do anything if people lash out or get angry or jealous or unkind or whatever when I’m being me. Doing my best to separate from them and not take on that energy, because the only thing I’m doing is stirring something up in them that they haven’t yet worked through. I cannot help doing this. In fact, it’s a good thing, because I’m contributing to self-actualization of people and the growth of the human race, if they so choose to do the work and not just blame me. Or they can keep blaming me, that’s fine, until they realize that I have nothing to do with it. I also am so understanding of this, because I’ve also been in that position. 

I don’t know if anyone else has this issue but just felt compelled to share. It helps it get out of my head and onto paper, and I’m actually feeling really nervous and shy about putting it out because I am like “omg what are people gonna think?!”, but I think this is part of it all. 

I have to be me now. There’s no turning back. It’s been too painful and caused too much suffering and misery in my life to hide it anymore and every time I’ve taken a step forward into fear or the unknown or into the places that I told myself I’d never go but secretly had a burning desire to do so, it’s always lead to great things. Amazing things. 

The places you fear the most are the places that will give you wings. Conquering your fears is the only way to become fearless. I’ve admired those “fearless” people my whole life, but it never occurred to me I could be one, just by slowly doing new things and challenging myself to step outside my comfort zone. I had this idea in my head that certain people are just not afraid and not ashamed and not doubtful and whatever, but that’s not true. It’s not like it takes a “certain type” of person to do that, as I told myself for years. Everyone has the possibility to do it. There are just people who choose to rise above the noise and do things anyway, and people who continue to make up stories and stay stuck and blame and shame and all the things. 

I know who I want to be. 

Here’s an invitation to all of us. Can we build each other up instead of tearing each other down? When we come across someone fully expressing themselves and it triggers something in us, celebrating that person for inspiring us to do more instead of taking it out on that person because who does that affect in the long run? Can we all choose to rise above our fears and do the things that make us feel like us? Realize that we’re all born with our own gifts and hone them and express them despite what other people think or say or do? And, when we don’t and fall back into old patterns, love ourselves anyway, learn the lesson, and get right back on the horse? 

Who’s with me?

xxKat

P.S. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

Comparison is the thief of Joy

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” 

Yes I have heard this and other things like it many a time in my life, and my brain does know it’s true. I know I “shouldn’t” compare. However, it doesn’t stop me from doing it sometimes and then it only gets worse because then I want to punish myself for doing it. And, it’s something that happens so automatically, because it is simply a habit. So….wtf to do now? 

Well, recently something new came to light that has shifted something internally for me in this regard. Something that I cannot un-see or turn away from. Something that is helping this “comparing” thing really sink in, into my skin and bones and beyond. I’ve managed to create some distance from it and see it with that light-hearted smile because I know that the only reason I’m feeling any discontent around that issue is because I’m believing a thought that’s not true. 

I realized that when I compare myself to others, it’s not simply the comparison that is causing the dissonance, it’s the fact that when I look at someone else who has something I want, I think that I cannot have it. WHOOOSHHH. And the skies part for me. Damn. I love finding these blind spots because it means that things are changing and I’m growing and somewhere I’ve been stuck is beginning to clear. The amazing Aleta St. James, in a recent Zoom workshop, talked about how when you see something that you want and it creates that feeling of desire in you, it’s actually because it is a part of you, it is something that you are resonating with. If we can take that in and appreciate that feeling, it’s all good. It’s when the mind kicks in and tells you all the reasons that you cannot have it or it’s too hard or it’s not for people like you or whatever else comes up, that’s when we experience envy and that’s when it makes us act out in ways that are not who we really are, towards ourselves and others. 

I very much grew up with a scarcity mentality, that there’s only so much pie in the world and if other people have something there will be none left for me. I’ve spent many years working on changing this and am still a work in progress. However, now I’m starting to recognize that the old thoughts are in fact, not true, and am learning how to say “Hey okay, this is an old thought, I don’t need this”, feel the feelings, and release it. Then I’m able to allow in the true things, the things that make me feel good. 

I was talking with a couple different students today and the topic of feeling “less than” another musician/artist came up. This really hit home with me because it’s something that I have dealt with for a long time and still deal with now, though I am learning to work through it. I felt so full of joy and gratitude to be able to share knowledge that has helped me on my path, and getting these things out in the open as artists is so important because it helps them lose their hold. Maybe you know the feeling, it starts like this for me - I see someone else who I believe is “further” ahead of me, in a place where I want to go, or in a position that I so desire, and the feeling in the pit of my stomach begins. It starts as a little dread, maybe a little anger, frustration, and soon begins to spread to my heart space, my chest. It tightens and begins to cause pain. I feel my whole body tense up then, and my eyes kind of glaze over. My heart beats faster. In the past, I may have gone in a downward spiral. Now, I’m learning to watch the thoughts in my head as this happens, after taking some deep breaths and accepting this is happening and loving myself anyway. The thoughts in my head say “you’ll never get that, you’re not good enough, if you were good enough or special enough or were meant for that, you’d have it already”. Then it goes into sometimes some angry thoughts about that person, who I may or may not even know. “I bet it came easy, I bet they had a family that I didn’t, I bet they already had money, they probably lied and cheated to get there, they’re just lucky”, and on and on. And thennnn I become the victim: “If I had a not dysfunctional family, if I grew up there instead of here, if I didn’t have trauma, if I was taller, if that didn’t happen when I was ten, and on and on and on.” I’m now learning to see these thoughts and question them. Are they actually true? Actually actually? I remember that the truth, my truth usually doesn’t feel like this, doesn’t create these constricted and so-called “negative” emotions. I breathe some more. As I begin to accept that these things I’m saying aren’t true, the truth begins to emerge. I feel inspired by that person, and appreciation towards that person because they’re waking up desires in me and showing me what I have been missing in myself. I begin to see my own path again and eager for how my life is going to unfold. My breath deepens. My heart rate slows. My body tension releases. And…I’m baaaaack.

It’s really okay to go on these little “trips”, I think, because it helps me find my way back to me, back to centre. I realized the other day as well that all these people I see, who may trigger this response in me, on social media etc. are not doing anything wrong, despite what my mind wants to say about them. I laughed lightheartedly at myself about that one. I want to place the blame on them when no matter who we are, we are all just doing our best to be who we are. Regardless of what that looks like, I’m the only one creating stories about them that are strengthening lies that I tell about myself, that really don’t feel good. And if I just allow myself to see the truth - I am enough as I am, where I am, what I’m doing, how I look, what I weigh, what colour my hair is, the state of my grooming lol and so on, then nothing anyone can do or say or post affects me. 

Something Abraham Hicks says is that if we dream and it makes us feel good, keep dreaming. However, if you think of your dream and it makes you feel bad, then it’s a good time to be curious of how you’re thinking of it. If you’re thinking of it as something you just don’t have and you’ll never have and so on and so forth, it makes sense that it hurts to think about it. If you dream and you’re like “this is coming to me, i’m getting there, things are getting better, etc.”, feel that shift. And from that place, that’s where we can do the things we need to do to get to where we want to go. 

It’s all a process, I’m right here with you. We all deserve to fulfill our dreams. There is unlimited potential in each of us, even if it’s hard to believe sometimes. Can you relate? I’d love to hear from you.

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

All my love,

Kat

I Am Learning

I am learning that when things happen that I do not expect, or that are not what I have planned, that I don’t have to immediately run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make it fit. It’s like cramming a square peg in a round hole. If you jam hard enough, yes, maybe it will go through, at the destruction of both the peg and the hole. And that’s a maybe. If you simply take a deep breath and find the round peg, with ease, it will go through. 

I’ve been doing this meditation called the inner smile, learned on YouTube by Mantak Chia, a Taoist master. I really enjoy it. He mentions somewhere in the video to do it about 6 times through, or maybe I just made up that number? Either way, I don’t know, but I realized that I’ve been so stressed out in my meditations about getting those 6 rounds in. Sometimes, I’m human and I wake up later than I plan because I went later to bed then I planned. Or sometimes I get carried away with my journalling and start meditating later. Lately, I’ve noticed myself getting pissed off about not getting enough rotations of this thing in, like somehow if I do 3 rotations instead of 6 I’ll all of a sudden have a bad day, or I’ll not be able to function. Like sometimes when I have less time to meditate, I’m like…”OMG it’s not enough. My crazy busy brain and all the shit I’m dealing with right now needs more time or else we will just be in a shitty mood all day and not be able to handle anything that comes our way.” 

Well, with all that in mind, I’m sure my day will go great. HAH. (That was sarcastic, in case it didn’t come across in my typing - I was very sarcastic when I said it to myself in my head. lol) I started to realize that with that mentality, I’m already operating from the point that I am less, and that I need to do something to make myself better. So, if I don’t get this in and this in and this in, then I’m like RAGE AND FRUSTRATION AND ANGER AND PAIN because I just won’t be good enough. Oh back to that again, not being good enough. Always comes back to bite me in the ass doesn’t it? 

So, I am doing my best to soften around this. Learning that that these practices are FOR ME. Chosen BY ME. To make ME feel better. Any time they are not, and are causing stress, how could they be beneficial? It’s not the practices themselves, it’s the way I feel about them. I hear about people I look up to saying they get up at 4:30am or the amount of time they spend meditating  per day and feel like I need to do it too or else I’m not working hard enough at it. I’m like OK I need this amount of time for me to finally fix all this crap inside me, for me to find the peace I’ve been looking for. Meanwhile, I’m gripping the chair and clenching my teeth and spending more time punishing myself for not having the time I need instead of just accepting what it is. 

Maybe it’s okay to let go. Maybe my practice is my own and it’s different than what anyone else needs. Maybe I don’t have to be perfect at this. Maybe my days are different - some days, great, I’ll get in a long meditation. Some days, I won’t. Does this mean anything bad? I’m the only one telling a story about it, am I not? Nobody is keeping score. I’m on the edge here, because I see the opportunity to grow. It’s like, if I can do it in this, then I can apply it in other areas too. 

God knows nothing is always ever going to go my way. That’s because the world is bigger than me with mysterious forces that do strange things (both things that we consider good or bad - like a breakup, or on the opposite end of the spectrum, golden doodle puppies). And for whatever reason I slept in today. And for whatever reason I was faced with this dilemma that to no one else would even be a dilemma. It’s only the story I am telling about it. 

I can’t take it personally when not everything in my plan goes according to plan. And, the better I get at learning to deal with things like this, the better I will get at being more peaceful in my life. And I think this is how I will get that peace I was on the hunt for earlier, not by doing the hour of meditation. 

That was definitely a vent-y (Venti? lol yes, it was quite large) and rant-y type freewriting type blog but I am so happy to have written it because it really did help me get through that moment. See, challenges and things that you think in the moment “WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME”, when you let them, and feel all the feelings, can bring growth and change. 

So, when you’re learning something new. A difficult part in a song. A hard exercise. Something you just can’t seem to wrap your head around. Know that it’s okay to be frustrated and also not to let the frustration eat you alive. Is doing this bringing you more stress or less stress? Is there any way to soften it by checking out the thoughts going on in your head? Do you feel like it has to be perfect? All or nothing? Remember, you are doing this for you, and you’re choosing to do these things to improve and just continue to keep growing, because that’s what we do in this life. There is no finish line, until we no longer reside in this body. As Abraham Hicks says, “You can never get it wrong, and you’ll never get it done”. We are all beautiful, amazing, works-in-progress. Perfect just the way we are, and eager to experience more in this life than what we already have. 

Can you relate? Do you find yourself getting stressed out when things don’t go your way? How do you deal? Do you have any morning practices or anything that helps you find peace? I’d love to know. 

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat