When Loving Yourself turns to Suffering

i wanted to write today about this idea of “loving myself”. i’ve been so into this idea for years now, “self-love” and “love yourself first” etc. and it’s a great thing, it really is. today, though, i realized why i’ve been caught in a pattern that has been causing me dissonance. i listened to both alan watts and ram dass this morning, and something stuck out to me more than usual. it’s like, i just understood it in my body. the thing that kept me stuck was an idea of what “loving myself” looked like. that put pressure on me because anytime i wasn’t behaving or thinking or feeling that way i would feel bad and suffer, judging and punishing myself. i had this story or this picture of what a person who “loved themselves” looked like and i just could never measure up, so i was continuously feeling like a failure anytime i had a thought. 

alan watts reminded me that one of the buddhist principles is to stop desiring things because that leads to suffering. the conundrum comes when, though, the student realizes that the desires won’t stop, and the desire to stop desiring becomes a new thought loop that leads to suffering. he said, “desire to desire exactly the amount as you are desiring in that moment”, versus desiring to not desire at all. i nearly fell to my knees in the kitchen as i was making my lemon water. i realized that in all my work lately, including certain things that i’m really working on, that i somehow feel less than when my humanity comes forth and i think or feel things i’m not “supposed to”. so even in the past, that idea of “loving myself” came at a price because any time that i had a so-called negative thought about my body or myself or went into an old place of punishment, etc., i’d judge that thought and judge the judgement and as you can see that would just send me down the rabbit hole.

today in the video, ram dass was talking about instead of thinking of loving yourself, maybe focus on accepting yourself. for all that you are, all that you do from moment to moment. embrace the humanity. there is no need to be “perfect”, for all the human things about you do make you perfect.

anyway, that really made something shift in me today that i’m excited about so wanted to share. onward and upward friends. 

i love you all, we are all in this together. 

xxkat

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