Role 1

So I’ve been on a bit of an Eckhart Tolle binge at the moment, I re-read Power Of Now and am currently in the middle re-reading A New Earth, next on my list is Stillness Speaks. I’ve also been watching vids on YT. Anyway, the section I’m on in the book is all about roles - questioning what roles we put on ourselves to play in our lives and whether or not we are so deeply identified with those roles that they become who we are. 

This has kind of messed me up lol because it’s like I’m starting to see even more clearly the parts of me that are in fact, playing a role, or even just expending a bunch of energy trying to enhance or keep the role alive. There is a voice in my head saying: “What do you mean, role? I’m not a ROLE! ROLLLE!?!?! That is so stupid. You’re stupid. Enough with this.” And I see now that it is simply the role trying to stay alive. Hah, good times. 

The reason I’m sharing this is because as soon as I notice and begin to allow the role to let go, it seems to bring more peace and joy to me immediately. A few examples of the roles that unconsciously I have been noticing myself playing: the “girlfriend” role, the “female” role, the “artist/creative” role, the “teacher/coach” role, the “spiritually awake person” role, the “see life positively” role, the “nice” role, the “smart” role, among many others, some that I probably haven’t even discovered yet. This is pretty damn uncomfortable to admit yet I think it is freeing because when I say them out loud they begin to lose their power.

I’m not saying that these all don’t play a function and are somewhat necessary for the world to run, but as Eckhart puts it, when we become so identified with our roles we lose our true human to human connection with others. When I first started teaching I remember being so worried about doing it wrong, trying to be what I thought a good teacher was, and even doing my best to impress my student. I needed so badly to be a “good teacher”. There was a part of me that did not want any cracks to show through, even if there were moments I didn’t know or didn’t understand something, there was a part of me that was afraid to be human and admit it because I thought it would make me look like not enough if I ever said “I don’t know”, or “can you explain further”, etc. I mean, I wasn’t like that the entire time but the times that I noticed that I can clearly see that those were the most stressful times. Nowadays, being conscious of being a human first and a teacher second has made a helluva difference. 

Even as a musician and artist, it was a huge breath of freedom when I finally learned to let go of what I thought I was supposed to be. There was a period of time where I thought I had to wear a leather jacket and killer boots, smoke cigarettes and be the life of the party, among other things. I’m not saying I won’t wear the leather jacket and boots (because come on, I love them) but I’m still an artist if I don’t. What I’m trying to say is that there’s not one way I have to be, there is not a list of rules or things to tick off to get, as Alan Watts says, the “Golden Goodie”. And that, right there, alleviates so much freakin’ pressure and frees up soooo much inner space. I spent a paragraph briefly talking about some of the “artist” things on my list, and this barely scratches the surface. Can you imagine pages upon pages, thoughts upon thoughts of other things that I think I’m supposed to be? Terrifying. Haha. It’s no wonder I’ve had so much trouble fighting myself over the years, I simply wasn’t allowing myself to be …myself. 

Anyway, it’s an ongoing process. I’m doing my best now to notice with love and compassion when I find myself stressing about something and find it’s only because I’m trying to live up to something or trying to be something or have something that I think will make me more “me”. In these moments now I do my best to not fight, because fighting won’t make it go away, but simply notice the thoughts like clouds moving in the sky, and I am the sky. 

All that being said, I really do notice when it’s not my heart and my truth and deepest wisdom fuelling my actions, I am not fulfilled and am left with a strange sense of unease. And, when it’s the voices telling me “you need to be this or have that to be a good (fill in the blank here)” it’s really hard to listen to my heart. 

I lost myself a bit while writing this but maybe that’s okay. Just a little insight into where I’m at today. I hope that connected with someone out there. Please comment or email me here and let me know if it did or I’ll be sitting here like *crickets*….*tumbleweed*….*crickets*….Bueller?….Bueller? ……..Bueller? 

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All my deepest love,

Kat