Go With The Flow

I stare up at the sun and watch it move further and further away, as I sink deeper and deeper into the river. The tank top I’m wearing over my bikini feels like lead, and the Ray-Bans I’m wearing plus the colour of the water brings a strange dream-like haze to the world I knew that was slowly disappearing from me.  Deeper and deeper I go. “Well, this is it,”  I think, and close my eyes, shocked by how easy it seems. Memories from my life flash before my eyes like scenes in a movie, the most prominent ones being those of love, laughter, light. The last thing I remember is my love Fred’s smiling face and deep brown eyes and suddenly my legs begin kicking, followed by my arms clawing against the jagged waters, trying to break through to the surface. Somehow my head clears the water and through my blurred vision I see a figure nearby and without thinking my body just grabs onto them. It turns out to be my friend Justin (who later told me I reminded him of a koala in that moment) and he’s totally unaware of what’s going on. His immediate friendly “Hey!” quickly turns to concern as I manage to gasp out “Justin, help me, I’m drowning, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe”. He manages to get me over to the side with the rocks and I grab on for dear life, panting heavily. Slowly the rest of the group who was swimming in that river with me that day surround me, making sure that I’m okay. I’m so embarrassed I can’t even handle it, but do my best to play it cool. Just when I think there is no freaking way I’m ever going to get back in that river, I remember Alecia saying to me something along the lines of “You can get back in, we’ll keep an eye at you on all times, we’ve got you”. Something in the sureness of her eyes and voice (and maybe also because I didn’t want to look like a coward in front of this brilliant woman who I watch each night literally flying across arenas) made me say “Okay,” and finish the swim. I gripped onto the rocks at the side every few feet, but hey, I made it and lived to tell the story. The first thing I did was call Fred and just express how much I loved him and cried and cried over what had happened.  

Me and Justin at one of the 2010 Funhouse Carnival shows

This experience shook me for so many reasons. I had taken swimming lessons growing up, so I definitely knew how to swim and tread water. However, I had never swam in a body of water that was so “alive” and who’s current was so strong, usually only in swimming pools where the worst thing to worry about was that kid who always peed (or worse) in the pool. C’mon, you know the one I’m talking about. In that river, I very quickly realized that didn’t know how to “go with the flow”, literally. Each stroke I took as I tried to maintain control got me nowhere. The water moved me along on it’s own and I frantically tried to fight it, tiring me out and making me unable to catch my breath, and then panicking because of this made it impossible for me to breathe or even think. What added to the panic as well was that I could see everyone else around me swimming and laughing and having a good time, and I kept imagining myself drowning here and no one ever even knowing because no one was even close enough to call out for help.  It was traumatic for me to do all these things that I thought I knew that would allow my body to swim and breathe, and so quickly feel out of control and that nothing I did was working. 

Confession time. I’ve always had trouble going with the flow. As a child, I remember even doing this thing where I’d plan my outfits out for weeks in advance, and always go over them in my head to make sure I remembered. I’d make themes out of some of them to help me remember, like “sweater week”, or “animal print week”, for example. (Clearly, I was real cool. lol) I also would lay them all out at the end of my bed in order. If anything got in the way of my “perfect” outfits, I’d lose it and spend the whole day being upset. Fred always laughs even now because whenever he even hints at moving stuff around in the apartment, he can see me getting anxious. I like things to be a certain way and when they don’t happen that way I have been known to, well, freak out. I’m learning, oh boy am I learning, that this is not a healthy or joyful way to live. Like that river, life is, well, alive. It’s not just me and my to-do list and schedule in the world. It’s a whole crapload of moving parts and people and things and animals and other organisms and ideas and energy and souls and desires and journeys and egos that I will never understand completely. Just as I can’t fathom the power that makes the sun rise and set each day, the power that all of a sudden drops a pandemic onto the world, the power that grows babies inside uteri and makes my heart beat without me even trying - how do I expect to understand why the world brings me things that aren’t on my agenda, invented by me and my limited mind? I realize now that things are always changing and growing and shifting and are completely and utterly out of my control. (Oof. It’s like a bomb going off inside me saying that). Some days I’m like, OK I’ve gotten to this great state meditating or doing yoga or making music or something, and then something will happen to set me off. It could be something as small as Fred not doing his dish in the sink. I then go into this whole “Maybe I should just run off and live in the mountains”. If I lived in a cave alone, maybe I’d have a better chance of not being disrupted, but knowing me, it would be something about the weather or the patterns in the dirt that would set me off. And, I’d also be missing out on all the lessons and the ability to practice holding stillness amidst the chaos of this living, breathing, organism of the world. I’m learning that maybe my goal isn’t achieving perfect stillness all the time, I am here to be human after all. Maybe it’s simply being in the moment, welcoming emotions or thoughts that produce even those pissed off or jealous or vengeful feelings or whatever, and just breathing through them. And, seeing them as an opportunity to get to the root of the issue that desperately needs love and healing. Instead of looking for love in places or things, it’s being love as much as I can and simply clearing out the barriers to love whenever they show up. Maybe it’s not a destination but rather a moment by moment awakening. Yes, this feels better to me. I’m breathing deeper, sitting up taller, and feel soft and open in my heart space. I think this is going with the flow. 

On stage and in music, I find this “going with the flow” thing super duper easy. Years of practice I guess. It’s part of why I love it so much, it’s simply exhilarating. You suit up, get on this ride, which is the beginning of the show. And from there it’s a salute, and a “Alright, see you on the other side”. The second we begin, I’m in another space. There is no thinking. There is being so present and so aware moment to moment, and just doing what you have to do to keep the show running. There is no trying again, there is no starting over, there is no I’m not ready. You go, knowing you’ve prepared all you can, then you just jump in. There is no safety net. And you know what? I’ve always made it through. Even when everything goes wrong, even when mistakes are made or we have no idea where in the song we are, we just keep going. Adjust. Go with it. Even when I fall on my ass or my guitar is out of tune. You go with it, adjust. Keep going. Maybe through the way I cope during something musical, I can continue to harness my ability to go with the flow in my daily life. I see it changing already, slowly. I’m becoming aware of when the emotions or the thoughts in my head want to take over. I’m learning that I have the power to interrupt the thought when it wants to take me into a downward spiral, and becoming more sensitive to the feelings that arise when I’m starting to want to fight reality.

Everything is always changing. Change is the only constant. So, I’m glad to make these realizations and learn to release suffering when I try to keep fighting and fighting against it. I’m starting to look forward to living life full of more ease, joy, and freedom the best I can. 

How do you deal with change? Can you relate? I’d love to hear from you.

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

All my love,

xxKat 

New Music Video and Believe in Yourself!

Dudes, first off, can we pop the champagne (or sparkly water) together?! I released my first music video for my project stormylovechild!! Holy shit. What a journey it’s been. So much doubt, so much I can’t, so much just show up and do it anyway even when I thought wtf am I doing. I really had to fight with the voices in my head about my limitations, telling me “you’ll never get this done during the pandemic”, or “who do you think you are trying to make a music video”, “what will people think?” and so on and so forth. Well, even when I didn’t think I could, I showed up and…it happened. Fred was there with me the whole way, had his own vision and pulled it off with his amazing directing and shooting skills, but the cool thing was that I jumped right in and did a lot of the editing and colour correcting work, learning along the way, and gained a whole new set of skills that I will be able to use in the future! It was really a labour of love. And…I’m glad it’s over so I can sleep again and do laundry and tidy up my apartment. 

Check it out here and I’d love to know what you think! It feels like all my feelings and heart and soul wrapped up in 4 minute video. It’s called “Daydream”. (You can also click the pic below). 

Speaking of just jumping in and saying “I can” when your mind is screaming at you “I can’t”, I wanted to share a bit of the story of how the P!NK gig came to be, because as I was thinking of the music video and what it took to make it happen, it brought up this memory and the same feelings I felt at the time, back in about November 2008.  

Rewind. 

I couldn’t believe it. I was on my beat up leather couch, on my little white Macbook and there in my Myspace inbox (who remembers Myspace?) was a message from Mark Schulman, Pink’s drummer, telling me that they actually were looking for someone for the touring band. My heart was thrashing in my chest and my body was tingly all over and it felt like a crazy ass dream. For maybe about a month now I had been obsessed with figuring out how to play in Pink’s band though it seemed like a completely crazy idea. When I get obsessed with something, I get obsessed.  I get tunnel vision, which can be both a blessing and a curse. I researched her album release date and tried to figure out tour cycle, watched live videos of her and her band online, I nearly went to MuchMusic headquarters (Canadian MTV type thing) where she’d be performing to meet her and the band, sent messages to a ton of people I knew and didn’t know just asking if they knew anyone that knew anyone that could get me even a half step closer. There was this raging fire inside of me that was driving me, even if my mind did not yet believe it or understand it at the time. I continued reading Mark’s message. It said he had checked out my music profile page and he said it was great, and said I could be a good fit. (Whatttt?!?!? My brain was exploding.) He asked if I had professional gear, if I played guitar and keyboards, etc. He also said they didn’t usually hire people who weren’t from LA, never mind outside America, but asked if I would be willing to relocate. 

At that time, to be honest my guitar was a weeee bit rusty as I had been mostly doing keys gigs, and I definitely was not from LA, as I sat in my cold ass apartment in snowy Toronto, Canada. My mind immediately went into the “See, you’re not the right fit. You’re not good enough, you should have been practicing guitar more, you’re going to make a fool of yourself if you show up there without the chops, and you probably don’t sing well enough, you should just forget about this and tell him never mind, go back to your regularly scheduled program.” I looked around my apartment, and suddenly I remembered why I had been doing all this damn research in the first place. I knew there had to be more to life than this and that the music inside me needed a different and bigger opportunity to come out. I wanted more so bad I could taste it. I wanted more so bad that it kept me up at night and it made me cry all the time. I wanted more so bad that I took a deep breath and typed Mark a message back. I told him that I was awesome at both guitar and keyboards and that I sing too. I told him that I was a professional session musician and had toured with a bunch of Canadian artists and had great professional gear and described it to him. I told him that I currently lived in Toronto, Canada but I’d move anywhere and do anything I needed to do to get an audition. All the while I typed this I felt like a fraud and that I was lying, but there was something deep in me that knew none of it was a lie, I was actually being truthful and advocating for who I actually was. I became who I said I was and did the things I said I could, because I believed.  

So clearly, it worked out. I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity in my lifetime to tour with such an amazing artist and with such an amazing group of people, from the band to the dancers to the crew to the fans to everyone who became family. From the moment I wrote that message back, I started practicing guitar like crazy to get my chops back up. From the moment I found out I did, in fact, get an audition (holy shit, right?!) and got the songs to learn, I practiced them day in and day out, every moment I possibly could. I learned and programmed sounds for every single keys part, every single guitar part, all the backing vocals. I made the arrangements to ensure I had the proper gear show up in LA at the audition. I pooled together my Aeroplan miles and whatever money I could scrape together to get a plane ticket for the audition. I made it happen. So many times in that gig as well, I would be told to do a new part or play and sing this thing together or something that my mind was like “no way in hell I’ll do that, I’ve never done anything like that before, etc.”, and yet, this calm voice would come out of me and say to the musical director “I’ve got it. Yes, I can do it.” And then, I’d stay up in the hotel room practicing singing and playing this complicated guitar part at 40 BPM slowly raising the tempo by 1 or 2 BPM, go over all my notes and stay after rehearsal to go over my settings and transitions, and other things I wanted to make sure I had. I did things over and over and over until I showed up the next day at rehearsal and could nail it.

I share that story with you so that you know that anything you want is possible too. All it takes is believing in yourself and keeping that belief in your mind so much that nothing can stop you. No matter what people say, no matter what people do, no matter how many mistakes you make or  how many times you don’t get it. I know how tempting it is to be like “oh shit, I could never do that”, simply because you haven’t done it before. When you bypass the mind, you find the inner knowing that will show you the way, that will tell you what you actually can do. I have many students who say things like “I’m just not good at playing and singing together”, or “I’m just not good at like playing two hands together on the piano”, or “I’m just not good at high notes”. I think, and sometimes say, “Of course you’re not good at it! It’s your first time doing it!” When you see yourself as a person who “isn’t good” at something, or if you don’t believe you’ll ever get it, then you’re blocking your ability to eventually get there. A much more effective approach to take when you hear yourself going into that type of thinking is: “This is challenging. I’ll keep working on it. I’ll get it eventually. I’m getting closer. I’m really getting the hang of this. I can do it.” Now, when I find something I can’t do musically, usually there’s excitement in me because then I get to spend time working on it and learning something new. (I mean, sometimes I’m still pissed or annoyed but I’m human - I take a break then lol) And, after over 30 years of making music I still work on new things all the time that I can’t do, some that I come back to for weeks and chip away at, and even when I can’t get it on a certain day, I think “you did great work today, you’re getting closer”. Then, boom, one day I get it. 

Now, if only I could be this way with allllllll other areas in my life that would be freakin’ sweet lol, but that’s another blog post for another day. We’re all works-in-progress. 

Alright my loves, thanks again for giving me this space to share. I believe in you, I love you, and here’s to everyone finding their truths and believing in themselves so we all can be living our best and most fulfilled lives. It’s easy to think you don’t have the power to change things, but you really do. I’m right here with you. 

As usual, I’d love to hear from you about your experiences with this type of thing. Can you relate? Do you have any areas that you’re not believing in yourself that you may be able to take a look at?

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Keep on keeping on my friends.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat

Effort doesn't mean Struggle

I’m in my living room on my orange yoga mat, sweating dripping and what feels like every single muscle in my body is burning. I’m in the middle of doing a burpee for the millionth time it seems since starting this workout called “The Class”, this amazing workout which I’ve been doing since June. I feel a familiar pain in the base of my neck, tension in my shoulders, and it’s all so painful that I’m just about to put my knees down and stop. Suddenly this strong, warm, calm voice that doesn’t feel like the usual voice in my head says “effort doesn’t mean struggle”, and “strength does not have to look like this”. This prompts me to soften my face, focus on relaxing my neck and shoulders, and any of the complaining, frustrated, angry thoughts. I feel my belly muscles kick in in a new way, a new sense of peace, and I’m able to complete the exercise with a little smile playing at my lips. It may not sound like much, but to me this is huge.  

As the teachers of “The Class” always say, it’s not about the exercise you’re doing. It’s about staying embodied, or in your body, with yourself. Lately I’ve been working on how I speak to and treat myself during my workouts (or really anything for that matter) and making that more important then whatever the thing I’m doing is or the outcome. Workouts are an important place of inner work for me, as I’ve had so much stress and strain around my body and exercise in my life and I’m ready to find a new way and release that.

Changing the focus of my workouts to staying present in my body, speaking to myself kindly and with compassion, and softening around effort has already made such a difference.  In the past, my focus could have looked like how many calories I needed to burn, making sure I sweat enough, doing the exercises perfectly or punishing myself for when I couldn’t get through them, etc. I kept finding that the latter only brought me stress and did not make me want to exercise because it wasn’t any fun. These days I’m finding myself looking forward to moving my body and building strength. Instead of punishment, the workouts are feeling like fun, even when the muscles are burning and the heart is pumping faster, and I’m beginning to experience happy memories of being a kid and feeling free and just dancing and moving and expressing myself. I catch myself sometimes thinking “is it allowed to feel like this?”, like I feel like I’m doing something wrong and not getting a good workout or something, but deep inside I know that this is right for me.

All that being said, I think this all can be applied to any area in life. If I can soften and enjoy exercise, which used to feel like torture to me, can I do this anywhere that I feel like I struggle? Do I ever really need to struggle? I don’t think so. I’m not saying that I’m not going to work hard, it’s just that my concept of what working hard looks like is changing. As I mentioned in a past blog, “Bleeding For Success”, I’m learning to change my belief that struggle = success. I’m learning that I do my best work when I’m relaxed, when I feel my inner light and love, and when I’m kind to myself. 

When I teach, I show people very different concepts then they may be used to. I often say that learning to sing requires you to break many different habits that you and your body have spent years and years learning. When someone thinks “this is how I sing”, and the sound comes from the back of the throat or they do not open their mouth or I see their neck muscles activate like crazy, of course it’s going to take some time to learn a new way. It’s an ongoing process. It’s going to require time and awareness and attention to change those neural pathways. It is always possible to make change, the thing we cannot control is how the change happens. So, while you learn or practice or make those changes, how will you choose to do the work? Will you put pressure on yourself and stress yourself out by setting crazy high goals and speaking to yourself negatively? Will you check out before you even begin because you think “there’s no way I’m ever going to sound good”? Or will you soften, be kind to yourself, and enjoy the process? I can tell you one thing - you’ll probably keep coming back if you enjoy it and have fun with it, which means you’ll progress quicker and probably get results a whole lot sooner. 

I’d love to hear from you if this hit home for you in any way. Always love connecting! If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Keep on keeping on my friends.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat

So hard to admit this…

My mom always used to tell me this story about being followed out of a store by a “plain clothes cop” as she called them. I think it was her way of trying to convince me not to steal things, which did not work very well as I used to steal things all the time in my early life. (Not proud.) She told me that even as a child, I was always so determined to get what I wanted. When I fixated on something, I had to have it. This time it was a wallet I had pulled off one of the shelves. That thing was not leaving my hands, and every time she took it away from me I’d just wail and cry and put up the biggest fight. So, finally she decided to take the wallet out of the box, and just let me leave with the box. Since I was now distracted by the box, she finished her shopping and left the store. She was almost at the car and was stopped by the plain clothes cop, who accused her of stealing the wallet. She showed him the empty box and explained. I’m not really sure what happened next, but I still laugh at her laughing while telling that story. God, I miss her. 

The reason I bring this up is that I had a realization the other day that I, *gulp*, was kind of spoiled growing up. And…there. I’ve said it. Deep breath. This was a hard ass pill to swallow. As the youngest child, and a pretty cute one at that, it became easy to get my way. I also had a father who taught the art of manipulation and telling people what they wanted to hear to get your way. Though sometimes I think more people saw through it than we thought, if not everyone. Cringe. 

Anyway, this thing I carried with me through my life of being able to get what I want has sabotaged me in ways I’m only seeing now. I guess I could even call it entitlement. Huge cringe. And it feels so scary to say it out loud. I never saw myself as an entitled person, hell, I’d even make comments about other people and say “God, they’re so entitled.” That could have been a clue for me because I’ve learned that the things that bother me about others are usually if not always things within myself that I have been not wanting to take a look under the hood at. 

I’m learning that this feeling of entitlement, the feeling of “I’m supposed to have this and I don’t”, or the feeling of “If I want it bad enough and yell and scream enough or bargain enough I should just have it” have really caused so much inner turmoil and suffering. And, these thoughts and what these thoughts do to me emotionally actually stand in the way of me doing the work and taking the steps to achieve the things I want. Instead of seeing what others have and being like “I should have that too! Now!”, I’m learning to step back and change my perspective. I don’t know at all what work they have done to get there, work that I have maybe not yet put in, and my feelings of entitlement have been blocking me from! Regardless, I cannot compare, because all that matters is my path. I realized that it’s like somehow my mind tricks me into thinking I can bypass the work and the courage it takes to break through the fear and barriers to get me where I want to be. I’m learning there definitely are no shortcuts, as bad as I want them. 

As a kid, I even would only play video games like Doom on “God Mode” or in ways that I could not lose. Because I didn’t want to do the work. Because of that, I missed out on the feelings of accomplishment and self-growth because I thought it was more important to get the goal, and finding sneaky ways to achieve it was this weird sense of twisted pride. Like winning in an invincible suit is the same as winning without it. I’ve done both, thank you Mario for WiiU for not giving me 5 sparkly stars, and thank you Fred for believing in me and telling me I could beat the game. And I can tell you…even with something like a video game, it feels fucking amazing to be able to accomplish something you didn’t think you could - no matter how many times I died and died and wanted to throw the controller out the window. 

I’m not fucking perfect and now I’m learning that I do not have to be perfect be loved and to have fun and live an amazing life. The idea of perfection is just something I conjured up in my mind anyway, it’s just another story. And, it’s so much harder to claim to be perfect and then spend all my time putting pressure on myself to live up to this impossible goal, than simply just being. It’s so much easier to say “Shit, I don’t know but I’m learning. I’m making mistakes and growing. I can laugh and have fun with it. I’m human. This is life.” It feels so good to say it out loud, I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops. “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL!!!” Hahaha. 

So, that being said, I’m ready to change. I’m excited to see what life looks like through this new lens, and I actually am welcoming more experiences where things don’t go my way and I don’t get what I want so that I can practice dealing with them. Writing and posting this blog and realizations and new awareness is a huge step. I feel it. Lighter. Kinda more sparkly on the inside. Hehe. Listen, I never used to write things that I’m in the middle of figuring out and going through, I used to need a bit of buffer time because I think I was afraid of looking too much like I was falling apart and not having had the time to figure shit out, but it’s kind of cool not to care anymore. I think this is good for me. It’s good practice. And, I know you all will know and somehow I will feel accountable any time I want to slip back into my old ways and my old habits. So, thank you for reading and just know that you are doing me a huge solid just by being here. 

How does this relate to music? Hmmm. I guess it really relates to that in terms of me wanting to be an artist or having a certain vision for my career. Instead of thinking “I should have this by now!” or feeling like a failure because it hasn’t happened for me yet in the way that I think it should happen, I can see it just as an opportunity to keep doing the work. And this time it takes to accomplish it will be what makes it feel soooooo good when it happens. Like winning Mario without the infinity suit. 

Can you relate? Are there times that you feel like you should have something and you don’t? How does this make you feel? Do you ever want shortcuts, or are you willing to put time in to do the work? I’m curious.  If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Keep on keeping on my friends.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

All my love,

xxKat

Split Energy

I had an absolute breakthrough today that I’m so excited to implement into my life and see what happens. So I’ve been watching a lot of Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube. Each time I listen, it’s as if someone has opened me up wide, figured out exactly what’s going on, and says the exact words I need to hear. I’m not even surprised anymore. These videos also remind me that we are all connected, and the things that I am working on or experiencing are not so personal - others experience it too. They don’t make me bad or wrong, they make me human. 

So, the breakthrough was this idea of “split energy”. It usually seems to happen when I’m struggling or trying so hard to get or do something and the process of doing or getting feels like torture, and I’m still not getting results. Usually this pairs with me noticing someone else who doesn’t even seem to be trying as hard getting the results I want, which only fills me with jealousy, rage, and a lot of self-loathing. Abraham talks a lot about going with the flow and paying attention to if you’re going downstream or upstream. She says you can tell this by the way you are feeling. Now I know my emotions are superpowers. Score. I’ve spent my whole life being ashamed of them. If you’re feeling negative emotion, struggling, hating, you’re likely going upstream, against the flow. When you feel passion and hope, you’re totally in the flow, going downstream. So the split energy comes when you desire something SO BAD, thinking of it just makes you feel good and awesome and totally downstream. AND THEN there’s another part of you just as strong pulling you upstream saying “you can never get this, it’s impossible, don’t even bother, it’s not going to work for you, you’re not the kind of person who does this” - and I could go on and on. (These could be your own voice, or other people’s voices, or stories you’ve been told, but can you actually know they’re true for you?) Can you feel that shift? Then what happens, is you’re not able to put all your attention and energy into simply fulfilling the desire because of that other part pulling you in the other direction, and any action you take towards it feels like dragging your feel through mud, which also means that you’re not getting as much out of it even if it feels like so much effort. Again, it’s not about feeling bad about it if you’re doing this to yourself, it’s almost like celebrating the awakening, and the noticing so that now you can begin to shift. Life is only going to get easier, and you’re going to start seeing results quicker. I believe this fully and completely.

So, how does this relate to teaching and learning music or how to sing? Well, usually someone is learning because there’s a deep desire in them, right? It feels awesome, you think about singing at a karaoke bar and killing it, or enjoying hearing your own voice back, being able to do that run like Beyonce, whatever it may be. Maybe it’s even writing songs and selling out stadiums. So you begin to take steps toward it. And yet, things don’t seem to be changing in proportion to how much effort you are putting in. Maybe when you do the exercises you even get caught up in thinking about how terrible it sounds and how you’re not getting any better. Maybe get curious and find out if there’s something splitting your energy and making everything harder. Are you thinking “I’ll never get this, this is dumb, I’m not a singer, who do I think I am?, who will others think I am?, this isn’t who I am, I’m not good enough, I’ll never get there, it’s impossible” or anything along those lines? (BTW - those thoughts come into my head so easily because I tell my things like this all the time, so you’re not alone if it sounds like you). If you spend even a fraction of the energy you do on the actions you’re taking toward your goal on just simply clearing out some of these negative thoughts, I guarantee the road to your desire will be a lot more smooth, will happen a lot quicker, and you’ll enjoy the entire ride. 

Can you relate? Would love to hear from you if this has struck a chord in any way. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Keep on keeping on my friends.

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

All my love,

Kat   

Be Seen

I’m in grade 5, and I’m feeling more and more stressed out about going to school each day. My body feels weird, my clothes feel weird, I’m starting to get these little boob-thingies and now my sisters say I have to wear a bra which I’m so self conscious of I never wear any light coloured shirts or anything fitted or anything with a loose neckline because god forbid, anyone see the straps or the bra outline. The bra is okay I guess, maybe it’s even kind of cute. It’s soft white cotton and it’s from my favourite store called Jacob Jr., but I’m just so embarrassed of it, especially if any of the boys were to see it. God, I would just die! I’m standing by the portables at recess trying to hold myself like a cool person would. I’m so worried about anyone thinking I look uncool. I just want to fit in and find some friends. I feel like my outsides don’t match my insides, and this is something that feels so normal to me. This is just the way it is, right? I try to say what I think people want to hear, and mould myself into whatever I think they want or need. I feel so lonely, I want people to like me so badly, so that I’ll have friends. My brother and sisters tease me for not having friends. I find it hard to make friends. I guess I don’t really believe that I am likeable so I’m always trying to hide the real me. I know I’m not one of the cool kids as hard as I try to speak, act, and dress cool. Plus, there was “the Incident”. Ugh, I made fun of my best friend’s artwork behind her back and she was standing right behind me, and now everyone hates me. I look at my watch. Crap, ten more minutes of recess. And these damn bra straps keep itching me.   

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I’m in grade 7. I’m feeling pretty good about myself. Somehow me and best friend have figured out how to start hanging out with “The Group”, as we called them. Since we got close about a year and a half ago, we would pass a lot of our time together either talking about hamsters, pretending we were 18/F/Toronto in Yahoo! chat rooms and talking to boys, playing Crash Bandicoot, or saying things like “I want to be cool”, “I want to be in The Group”, and “I want a boyfriend”. We came up with a plan to infiltrate, and boom, here we are standing around at recess being cool. Right? This is cool? I dunno, we’re not doing much. Mostly, I stay quiet because I don’t want to jeopardize my position so I’m afraid to say anything at all. I usually just nod my head and agree with whatever is said, try to laugh at the right times in a non-dorky, controlled way. If they heard me snort, I’d be sooooo embarrassed. When they make fun of someone, I take it further. When they gossip, I add fuel to the fire. But oh my god, the boys actually hang out with us sometimes. The boy I like just casually walks with us sometimes, and the other cute ones actually mingle. This is new for me. I never talk to them and they never talk to me, but still! This is progress! But what is this feeling inside of me? The pangs of guilt for up and leaving a different friend group just like that, and maybe sometimes even talking about them behind their backs. The boredom. The insecurity. The daily fear of being found out. Having to do everything in just the right way. Were these people my friends, or were they just people I stood next to and took pictures with so that maybe people would believe I was worth liking? Or maybe it was for me to believe I was worth liking.

This is is the kinda school picture that I’d write on the back of and distribute to people, trade them for theirs. The pictures in my collection helped me determine my “coolness level”.

I sat down to write this blog and knew I wanted it to be something about being seen. Those old painful elementary school memories popped into my head so I just began typing about them. I’ve never shared any of that before. There is still a lot of shame around it, sadness, frustration, anger. Maybe I can let that go, and realize that I’m human and acting in ways that feel totally wrong are part of that process. Maybe I needed to go through all of that so that I could have the breakthrough I just had. 

Throughout my life, I realized I’ve been afraid of myself. Afraid of really knowing myself. I’ve been afraid of being too much, too loud, too emotional, too sensitive, the list goes on. I’ve had trauma in my early life that I see now lead me to believe things like I am broken, I am messed up, I’m weird, I’m not a good person, I’m not interesting, I’m not worth much, etc. So, no matter who I was with, I would never open up in fear of exposing some part of myself that I didn’t want anyone to see. I felt pressure to always fill the space and make myself seem interesting, always planning the next thing to say, and always worried about saying the wrong thing that would make me excluded. I needed people to like me so bad, because I didn’t like myself very much. I needed everyone else to be comfortable and okay, because that’s when I thought I was doing my job. And, my feelings didn’t matter much anyway. Even when I had people show interest in me, I still would never be able to take it in, because they were liking a version of me that I had created, it wasn’t even actually me. I got so good at doing this, somewhere along the way, the real me hid deep beneath the surface. I forgot about her for awhile. I was so interested in making friends with the “right” people. If it wasn’t “The Group”, it was another group of people, it was someone in the industry, it was this or that or whoever. Making friends and connections of that sort always felt so empty, and I’d be so frustrated because I could never find what I needed. Though this is painful to write about, I believe that it will be helpful in my healing. It doesn’t all just go away, there are definitely still old scars and the old voice and the old thoughts. Slowly and surely, though, I’m becoming more comfortable in myself, trusting myself more, and seeing that it’s the most important to nourish my relationship with myself and show who I am, rather than worrying about the external. There have been very few relationships in my life currently where I have actually allowed myself to be seen, and this is huge for me. (And most of those are probably my therapists…hah). Moreover, I’m actually allowing myself to see myself, and that seems to be the key. The more I accept and love myself for who I am, then I’m able to show myself to others without much or any effort. 

People say “love yourself” all the time. It’s one thing to say, and another thing to do. I’m learning now that it’s not like flipping a switch. It’s slow growth. It’s moment by moment choices and decisions. It’s doing the next right best thing. It’s accepting yourself though sometimes you can’t find yourself, and accepting yourself though you aren’t loving yourself in that moment. I know one thing for sure - it’s definitely not about being perfect. 

So, all that being said, and the whole point of why I sat down to write this, was to continue to remind myself that being wide open like this and allowing myself to be seen is what I want. Whether it be in my videos, my music, my blogs, my art, whatever, I want to continue to find my courage and show myself, because I know that when I do, that’s when I really feel love and connection. And, that’s really what I’ve been craving. I don’t care about being cool anymore. (Maybe a teeny bit?) All I want is to love myself fully so that I can continue to receive love fully and give love fully, no matter what. We’re all human going through our own things that are hard enough. Let’s be there for each other. 

In terms of connecting this to teaching and music, this comes up quite a bit! I’m finding that the more I allow myself to fully and completely be myself, the better artist and performer I am. It’s real. It’s unique. If I’m pretending to be someone else, whatever comes out is simply a regurgitation of stories and thoughts. To be truly unique as a performer and artist requires me to dig deep and really be myself, because that comes from the birthplace of creation, with no filter. It’s coming directly from my insides, from my source, to go out into the world. And, this is me. I’m totally having a breakthrough right now. Haha. So, if you find yourself relating to this, maybe it’s worth getting curious with yourself. And, it’s not because you want to be better or be more accepted (I say this because I have experienced this in my past), it’s really for you. It’s finding out whether you are being who you really are or being something that I think other people think you should be, because being more yourself will ultimately help you live a more enjoyable, fuller, richer life. I also remember doing that in songwriting because I didn’t know otherwise. I’d write what I think people wanted to hear. I realized I actually never know what they want to hear. I know now that I have to write straight from my heart and soul to be the artist and human that I was born to be. 

Whew! That was a freakin’ doozy. Can you relate? Have you experienced love from others as a persona you were putting on? How did that feel? Have you experienced being seen as you are and loved? How did that feel? If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat 

When You Can't Seem To Do Anything Right

Today I found myself in a very frustrated mood. I had meditated for over an hour, felt good, but then slowly these difficult feelings started to creep in. This made me angry. From there, everything I did just felt like dragging my feet through mud. In fact, I got more angry as I realized that these feelings had been going on for like weeks now. It just felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t get anything right. This is the feeling that makes me want to give up on everything, throw the covers over my head and hibernate. 

My brain just couldn’t understand it. I was doing the same routine pretty much, and the same things that were making me feel so good and inspired and open and loving a couple weeks prior were no longer “working”. This made the frustration even stronger, as I started to tell myself things like: “you aren’t doing this right”, “you’re wasting your time”, “you have been wasting your time”, and even things like “who are you to write blogs and post things on Insta that are inspirational”. “You have no idea what you’re doing”. 

As I write this, I’m actually laughing because it’s like “um yeah, I definitely have no idea what I’m doing”. LOL. Does anyone? Aren’t we all just trying our best to navigate these ups and downs and ever changing tides? We can’t prepare for any of this. Well, we can, but it’s almost like a rehearsal or even a dress rehearsal versus an actual show. No matter what, there’s always going to be things that come your way that you did not expect. When this happens in a show, for me, I’m able to roll with the punches, and not take anything personal, and simply throw anything I thought I knew out the window so that I’m able to go with and actually enjoy what does happen. That’s the magic of it for me. Ugh, but does this mean I can apply this to life? When I’m in this mood, I feel the resistance screaming out to this thought as there’s a part of me that wants to just stay in this Moody McMooderson mood and hate everything. Yet, there is another, wiser part of me that is vaguely interested in exploring.

Sometimes I think: “damn, this music making and music playing part for me is easy - why can’t i do the same thing in other areas of my life?” I guess it’s because I’ve spend countless hours on the music, and am not as well-practiced in other areas. Who knows. Who cares?! (See, told you I was in a mood). Deep breaths. Goddammit.

OK. Well, if I applied this to life, I’d probably tell myself that things will come up that I could not have possibly prepared myself for. The meditation and all of my routines are helping me cope with whatever is coming up better than I would have if I hadn’t been doing my practices, and just because things are more difficult now doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong. I’d also probably tell myself that as a human, my energy levels and moods, and hormones etc. are all affected by things I don’t even know, and there does not have to be any punishment for it, because it’s just how it is. 

So, the same activity one week could feel easy, and then this week, feel like pulling teeth. This does not mean I’m getting weaker. It’s almost like just the fact i can get through it at all this week, even at 10%, is good. Or - I can throw out that activity all together, if it is not a matter of life and death. I feel like I’m rambling a bit here because I’m feeling a bit blah but damn I guess I’m proud of myself for showing up anyway, and finding the courage to share this. Moving past the “this is gonna be dumb, don’t post anything you write when you feel like this”, and doing my best to simply be honest. 

I am not perfect. Maybe it’s showing these parts of myself that will bring me more of the connection that I crave anyway. 

xxKat

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If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. Can you relate? Do you ever have those weeks or those days where it just feels like “wtf?!” I’d love to hear from you. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

More lessons from my cats

I’m laying in my comfortable bed, in my comfortable pajamas. I take a deep breath in and out and close the book I’d been reading, “The Untethered Soul”. I’m in a state of bliss, and I don’t want to move a muscle in fear that it will wear off. I really feel, for the first time, that I can distinguish my mind from my true self. I start noticing the voice in my head and I’m learning to listen but not let myself engage. Yes! I’ve done it. The world is quiet. 

—

Fast forward. As usual, when another layer peels off, it simply uncovers another layer to work on, even when I think the work is done. HAHA. As soon as I started noticing myself as separate from my mind, the judgments began. It became another layer to work with on this journey. I spent a lot of time getting hooked back into my mind as I’d judge myself for the thoughts I was having when I noticed they were not healthy, and then I’d also judge myself for judging the thoughts themselves. Then, I learned that the judgments, too, were simply just thoughts. OH MAN. For me, this progression was not easy, and was met with a lot of resistance. The journey definitely was not a straight line, and I remember a therapist once telling me that the healing journey is a spiral, rather than a straight line. So I now am doing my best to use that as I navigate this all. 

Today I started writing in my journal and I got to thinking about my cats again. I thought about how I noticed myself getting angry when they would claw the couch, hop on a table and break something, puke on my shoes, etc. Over the years, I began to release that anger (especially towards them) because I knew that they weren’t doing it on purpose. They are cats just doing what cats do! They don’t know that the couch is something I’ve bought and they should not rip it apart! They don’t know that the garbage isn’t simply an all-you-can-eat buffet of special treats! Thinking of it this way made me laugh and feel lighter, and I knew I was on the right path. Also, the anger at them (and really, myself), did not stop the things from happening. They were also unaware because they didn’t even know they were doing anything wrong. 

Then I thought, if this is true about the cats, can this be true for the mind as well? I thought about how angry at the mind I’d get for thinking things I didn’t want it to think, and how that never actually made anything better. The mind thinks because it’s a mind, it’s simply a supercomputer of what we’ve been through and our experiences and what we’ve taken in - that’s it’s job. It’s like being angry at a computer for not showing emotion when making a decision if it hasn’t been programmed to do so. The mind’s thoughts are random and I’m the only one who’s suffering by judging and taking them personally. 

So, I’m working on being easier with myself and thinking of the mind in this way seems to really help. “Oh, that’s just the mind, thinking again”. And then simply move on.

Learning anything, especially music, will bring up a SLEW of thoughts. Anything that makes you get that deep and vulnerable usually triggers the mind to say all sorts of things. So, when you notice these thoughts, see if you can apply the same principles. Simply accept that the mind is thinking these thoughts, and then don’t take them personally. It will help you continue on your path to learning, and improve more quickly, because you are using your resources toward the task at hand, rather than toward judging your mind for doing what it is programmed to do. 

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. Can you relate? Have you noticed yourself as separate from your thoughts? Do you ever find yourself judging yourself for judging yourself? I’d love to hear from you.  And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat 

One of the many things I learned from my cats...

This morning as I watched my cats, a memory popped into my head of them being these tiny little kittens. I remember so clearly, with their wiry fur, big eyes, and energy that kept them wrestling all night not letting us sleep. Haha. They were smaller than my forearm, and at less than five feet tall, I have a pretty small forearm. Anyway, I got to thinking how strange it was that I never actually noticed them growing day to day. It was as if one day I looked at them and was like “oh, I guess they’re full grown cats now”. Like, when it did all happen? I realized that the changes in their growth happened sooooo slightly, and soooooo gradually that it was nearly impossible to notice. 

Then, I got into thinking well, maybe if it’s that way for them, could it be the same way for me? I have been known to be impatient and want results fast. I tend to get discouraged when things don’t come easily to me, and I’m working on that because it has held me back from enjoying and trying new things. Many times it’s me looking in the mirror or doing an exercise or learning a new technique and each day just thinking to myself “nothing is changing, nothing is getting better”. Could it be simply that the changes are happening so gradually and so slightly that I don’t notice? Yeah. I think that’s it. Now I’m realizing that there is no point in thinking that way because all it does is discourage me from even trying, which then of course makes nothing change or get better. Sometimes, too, the awareness to even see the change is what needs to be developed - it’s all part of the process. 

When I teach new techniques and different ways to make sound, or hold the body, or even think about a song or a lyric, yes sometimes they do come quickly, sometimes even immediately. However, many techniques require dedication and practice and the changes happen so slowly and gradually you may not even notice. So, instead of begin angry and frustrated that you can’t hit that note yet, pat yourself on the back that you came back another day to try it, and grateful that you have the time to work on it. Know that every time you work on it, it is making change simply by you putting your attention on it, regardless if you see it or not. Also, by doing all the things that don’t work, you are slowly and surely getting closer to finding the things that do work. 

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. Do you find yourself getting discouraged when you don’t see things changing? Can you relate to this? I’d love to hear from you. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Also, if you haven’t already, you can download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat

All The Feels

I’m eight years old and I’m so excited to be in tennis camp for the first time. I feel sweaty and nervous holding my pink and green “Head” tennis racket that I chose because it reminded me of a watermelon. I raise my hand nervously when my name is called. I have a crush on the instructor, Garth. He’s so nice to me and has a nice smile with really really white teeth. We start by learning about all of the different parts of the tennis court, mostly what all those white lines mean. He announces that we are to race to the lines, and all of a sudden my hyper-competitive spirit comes raging through my tiny body. I’m going to win this thing and impress Garth. We all line up at the net. “Base Line!” he calls, and I run faster than my little legs can carry me. Next thing I know, I’m face down on the court. All I can focus on is the pounding of my heart in my head, I feel numb and hot and super embarrassed so I quickly stand and brush myself off, not wanting to attract any attention. So much for that. Ten sets of eyes are staring at me, including Garth’s, particularly down at my knee, and no one says a word. Confused, I look down and see that my right knee is completely scraped up and bleeding. Right then, it begins to hurt. BAAAAD. I want to scream and cry but bite my lip instead, telling everyone not to worry and I’m fine. It’s more important to me to make them feel okay instead of expressing the way I’m feeling. They call my parents and I have to go home. Even then, I’d rather be silent than causing a scene. So much for tennis camp. 

—

I still have a scar on my right knee to this day, and it still feels numb to the touch in that spot. Hah. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy in my life trying to avoid, or rather, numb emotions. I always thought that showing emotion was weakness, and I thought that I had to appear strong if I were to survive. I’m learning that my emotions won’t go away though I try and try (oh boy, do I try) to numb them, they only get stronger and stronger until I give them attention. And, when they build up enough they will eventually come out in catastrophic ways. Also, when I shut myself off from feeling the “bad” emotions like fear, anger, sadness, I also stop myself from feeling and experiencing the “good” emotions like happiness, joy, gratitude. It was an awakening when I realized I was missing out on a whole beautiful part of being human. I understand how difficult emotions can be to deal with, especially when we are given messages like “buck up”, or “get over it”, or “stop being a baby!” I was given the nickname “CryBaby” or “CB” as a child from my family, which STILL brings up pain and shame and fury inside me (working on it) and I hated it so much it made me suck all the tears in whenever I felt them coming so they wouldn’t “win”. I was a very sensitive child (and now a very sensitive adult. Woohoo!). Also, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD which I learned both make emotions difficult to regulate for me, and make me feel emotions more strongly than others. I used to think if I allowed myself to feel and express them, they would take me over and I’d never go back to “normal”. I thought something was wrong with me, that I felt things so strongly, so I’d disconnect from that “feeling” part of myself in order to fit in and remain safe. I see my sensitivity as a super power now, and as I learn to harness it I’m able to connect with people more intimately, experience the whole spectrum of emotion fully and deeply, and express that through my music and art and performances. 

Now I know that it is important to feel emotions and allow them to visit. I’m learning how to accept the way I feel and let it pass through me and breathe, and that I am strong enough to handle these feelings. I’ve learned that a single emotion always has a time limit, it will never continue on indefinitely if there is not another prompting thought. So, if I’m able to focus on simply feeling the feeling and not allowing myself to keep thinking and thinking, it will eventually pass. When I used to try to shove down the feelings more, it would be a constant vicious cycle of me shoving them down by doing something usually unhealthy, and them coming back stronger, and then me pushing more, them pushing back, me creating more prompting thoughts by not wanting to accept them and not wanting to feel them, and I’d end up in a downward spiral in a ball on the floor, or not able to move or leave my bed.

Many people come to me wanting to work on “stage presence” or “connecting to an audience”. I also hear things like “I want to be a better performer”, or “So and so says I don’t sing with any feeling.” To me, all of it comes back to feeling everything. Yes it requires courage. And, if you are not able to connect with these things within yourself, how can you expect to be able to express them to an audience? Sometimes I see people who perform with an emotion, let’s say sadness, but instead of letting themselves feel it and express it, it becomes an act of what they think other people think sadness is “supposed” to look like. Then they wonder why they cannot connect. The audience can always feel when it is not genuine, and it’s important to note that everyone’s version of whatever emotion it may be can look very different. So, it’s about allowing yourself to really go deep and feel these things if you want to take your performing to the next level. I teach techniques that help find your own expression and harness it into performance, and it’s been so amazing to see people transform as performers. 

Being a human is hard work, if we are doing it fully and completely. When we feel even those slight glimmers of joy and love and compassion and gratitude and peace, though, all of it becomes worth it. Those slight glimmers eventually string together and create beautiful life experiences.  

I love you and all of your feelings. Your feelings are never wrong or too much and you are perfect just the way you are. 

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. Are there any ways you find yourself numbing emotion? Are you able to feel and express emotions? Have you ever thought that your feelings or emotions were wrong or too much or not enough? Do you have any issues with connecting to audiences, or expressing your emotions? If so, I’d love to hear from you and about your experiences. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat

Bleeding For Success?

I am ten years old. I’d been practicing the piano for hours and hours, sometimes under the watchful and critical eye of my father, which was both terrifying and satisfying. I’m practicing a composition I wrote called “Clowning Around” that I’m playing at an upcoming concert and there is this part that has a quick glissando straight into a held quarter note. To do this, I have to run the back of my fingers over top of the keys. I’m so frustrated and angry at myself that I can’t get it, so I keep practicing over and over and over. I keep going until I see blood on the keys. Surprised, I look down at my right hand and see my cuticles bleeding. I kind of want to cry as I realize that I’m in pain, but instead I smile, feeling this strange jolt of excitement, happiness and pride because now I can prove to my dad what a hard worker I am and I think it’ll make him happy. Maybe. Or maybe I feel like I’ve punished myself enough for not being able to get the part and I can stop now. 

—

Looking back at that girl from where I am now, my heart aches and my eyes fill with tears. She wanted to be the best but wasn’t taught a healthy way to learn and grow. For as long as I can remember, struggle, punishment and pain were equal to success and hard work so how would I have known any differently? I share that story because as a teacher and as a human, I both see and experience many different ways of learning. And, if I have dealt with this “punishment+struggle=success+reward”, then maybe others have too. Now, I see that there is a different, much healthier and more effective way to learn. Instead of being angry and punishing myself for not being able to get something, I’m beginning to create a different dialogue in my head that is less judgmental, kinder, gentler, and approached with curiosity. I have also changed the belief that I have to say negative things to myself like “you suck, you’re never going to get it, goddammit you better work harder on this or else you’re gonna fail” in order to motivate myself to work harder and get better. A very difficult belief to get over was that I won’t get better if I don’t accept myself now. If I love myself and am kind to myself now, I’ll stay stuck and never improve. Or something along those lines. 

It’s, in fact, the opposite for me. I find that the kinder I am to myself, the more motivated I actually am to keep working on something, to practice something. Not only this, it makes the whole process more fun, and it actually helps me perform better because I’m more relaxed. When we are in the constant state of “fight or flight”, which is what happens to me when that other dialogue starts because I think I’m going to be punished or hurt, we are in the “animal” and survival part of our brain. This means we cannot access the creative part, which is what we need to learn and grow and improve. Also, if I believe I can do something, if I don’t have the thought “I suck” in my head, and am grateful and respect the work I have done already to get up to that point in time, I am able to master things quicker and better as well. 

So all that being said, what can you do? I always say that the first step to change is awareness. Simply watch your thoughts as you begin to do something, learn something, practice something. See if they are hurtful in any way. Do they make your body tense up and feel a tightness in your chest or belly? That is usually a way for me to know I am saying something that is not true. Like, “come on, I should have got this by now”. Ouch, just thinking it makes my body feel like that already. As you begin this, it may be more difficult to notice, but with time, it will get easier.

I’m very passionate about teaching this way as well, building students up with positive motivation and really noticing and expressing to them their talents and areas of strength. And then, we get curious about the areas that they need to improve, and instead of judging them, we are able to discuss . This allows us to more quickly and easily get to the root of the problem and begin to improve. My body still goes into shock remembering some teachers I had, ones who were mean or tough. At the time I thought it’s what I needed to improve, but I see now, that is definitely not true. 

If you have more of a scientific mind (as I do as well), there have been various experiments done to prove the power of positive vs. negative words. Dr. Masaru Emoto claimed that water exposed to positive speech and thoughts would result in visually "pleasing" crystals being formed when that water was frozen and that negative intention would yield "ugly" frozen crystal formations.(Humans are what, about 60% water?) There have also been other experiments done with plants, etc. with the same concept. (Google it). 

So, to that ten year old Kat with the bloody fingers. I would take her by the hand, give her a giant hug, and clean her up and get her some bandaids. I’d tell her that she doesn’t have to hurt herself ever again in that way and that I love her no matter if she gets the glissando or not. Music is just something she does, it’s not who she is and does not define her self worth. I’d tell her that it’s important to take breaks and relax, to let music be fun because that’s what it’s supposed to be. It is a challenging part of the song and that it makes sense that she can’t do it right away. It doesn’t mean she’s not a great musician or a great piano player or that she doesn’t work hard enough. It only means that it will take a little bit longer for her body to learn how to do it, and each day if she practices a bit and stays committed to it, she will get it. Then, I’d tell her we’re going out for a walk to enjoy the summer weather and get an ice cream cone. 

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. Can you relate? What kind of learner are you? Please comment and share any of your experiences or even your thoughts reading this, I’d love to hear from you.  And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Oh! Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat

Performing in the "Play Box"

I’m on stage in Antwerp, Belgium behind my keyboard, guitar strapped on, looking out of at the biggest crowd I’d ever seen in my life. I feel like a deer in headlights, like it’s so real but at the same time like it’s all a dream that I’ve played so many times in my head. I’d been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last week - the phone call as I walked on the beach in Nice that told me my mom had ended her battle with cancer, the flight home sobbing and writing furiously in my journal, the funeral in the big black sunglasses, the throwing of the rose on top of her casket that lowered in the ground, the gripping onto loved ones as I wailed, and eventually somehow making it back in one piece (at least on the outside) within three days to this moment.  And yet - I was here. Doing the thing I had dreamed of my entire life. And you know what? I made it through. I played my parts, I nailed my harmonies, I was able to rise above everything else that was going on and just do it. My body, my training, all the hours of rehearsal did not fail me. My mind wasn’t even anywhere ready to think about what I was doing, but it all came together.

I say this because so many times I see people stuck in their heads still during a performance. Yes, if you’re in rehearsal mode or learning mode, of course you need to remember the counting and the lyrics and the notes, however once the performance hits, it’s important to go to that “other” place, what the amazing Dr. Joe Dispenza calls the “Play Box”. (Dr. Joe Dispenza - Part II. The Think Box vs. Play Box). The place where you’re so present that the thoughts cannot even begin or end. I love this place, and it’s why I love performing. It feels a little bit scary to release the mind and just focus on the feeling and the emotion and the enjoyment of the music and connection to the crowd, but this is where true performance technique (if you can even call it that) lies. Moreover, this is where miracles and magic happen, where music can transcend time and space and thought and really make lasting changes within people. That’s why people leave concerts feeling…something. Feeling…different. Because when the performer is in that place, it allows anyone else who is there to be in that place too.   So, it’s important to trust all the work you have done, know that it will be there for you, and simply go into feeling instead of thinking.  

I look back now and instead of thinking “I can’t believe I made it through that”, I see why I did, and I CAN believe it. 

If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And, can you relate? Have you had any experience with being in thought vs. feeling? Maybe it’s while playing a sport, or while painting, or gardening or cooking. I’d love to hear what you think and about your experiences. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Oh! Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

All love,

Kat