New Year's Eve - Follow Your Heart
It’s New Year’s Eve, 2009. I’ve just had a hell of a year but in this moment none of it even matters. The lights are out and the room is filled with candles. I’m sitting next to my best friend of nearly ten years, and never did I think we’d be together on a New Year’s Eve in this situation. He wasn’t even supposed to be here, he was meant to go to another party, he was just going to drop by my family party to say hi and then the lights all just went out. I mean, we have been getting closer than ever before in the last couple months, and yeah I kinda have a crush on him, and at at one point on Christmas Eve he put his hand on my leg and it kinda lingered for a minute while we were laughing and watching super old Simpson’s episodes. Did he mean anything by it? Did I want it to mean anything? I’ve been on tour for nearly a year and busy as hell but somehow we’ve been finding time to chat or talk or even send e-mails. And those e-mails light me up in a way I never felt before. I forgot what a rock he is, and how I remember who I am when I’m with him, how I love the person I am when I’m around him. And how much I just love him, how he makes me laugh like no one else, and how he just has to look at me and I know somehow everything’s going to be okay. Even if I’m in the middle of a divorce and my mom has just died and this is my first time home after my very first international tour and my life has kind of just blown up everywhere but expanded to this really surreal place that I don’t even know what’s real and not anymore. I remember he’s always been this for me - when everything is spinning around me like a whirlwind, he makes finding somewhere to plant my feet so easy. He’s always been just this really satisfying deep breath out. We’re sitting on two dining room chairs playing guitar and singing together, something we’ve been doing since we were kids. There are a million butterflies in my stomach, wildly flapping their wings. It feels like I’m floating, and I for the first time understand that feeling of just knowing that you’re supposed to be exactly where you are. My mind is also talking to me a lot, asking so many questions, telling me that it’ll never work, telling me that I’m moving to LA soon and it’s too much pressure because we’re best friends. Yet, there’s this magnetic force in my heart that is so strong I can’t help but listen. I’m so terrified and excited and I feel like I’m going cry as we sing “Soco Amaretto Lime”, a song we’ve loved since we were younger. I see my sister and her boyfriend in the corner of my eye, hugging each other, and holding each other, and I realize it’s the only thing I want to do with him. I’ve got tunnel vision, and a desire to make it happen stronger than anything I’ve felt before. Since the power’s out, we don’t know when the countdown to New Year’s Eve is. So we decide to just count down on our own. “10…9…8…” My whole body is trembling. “7…6…5…” We lock eyes. “4…3…2…” I move closer to him, take a deep breath. It’s now or never. “1”. I kiss him right on the lips despite any other noise going on in my head. I don’t know what’s going to happen but there’s a feeling inside that is so strong and so unwavering and so calm and so true to me that it doesn’t matter about anything else in that moment. And that kiss changed the rest of my life. Now it’ll be 11 years with the absolute love of my life this coming New Year’s. We celebrate as soon as the countdown happens and we kiss. It feels like a dream, and I always am so grateful that I listened to my heart and followed through then. If not, who knows what would have happened?
I bring up this story because it helps me remember that I do know. I always have this feeling of “I don’t know, I’m going to mess it up, I’m not good at making the right decision, I’m not smart enough, I’m not the type of person who makes the right choice” and so on. I tend to freeze up when I have to make a choice. I used to poll people and do a ton of research and look for just the right amount of information. I’m learning that seeking information is infinite, it’s never ending. You can always argue the pros and cons of something, you can keep logically trying to figure things out until the cows come home. (Lol, where did that saying come from? I haven’t heard it in years, it makes me laugh. Another one that is coming up is “when pigs fly”. hahaha). I’m learning that I do know. If I had asked a ton of people what to do in that situation, people could have said “oh you know, I kissed a best friend of mine once, and we no longer talk”, or someone could have said “you wouldn't be best friends if you were meant to romantically be together”, or “it would have happened by now if it was meant to happen”, and so on and so forth. It didn’t logically make sense, but I did it anyway. And I realize that the best things in my life happened that way. When despite the thoughts and the opinions and whatever in my head and especially from other people I move forward with only my own vision that is so strong and so unwavering and so stubborn, I make things happen. When the piano teacher told my mom when I was three “no, her hands are too small, she shouldn’t play piano”, and my mom said “no, let her try, she won’t stop bugging me for lessons”, I found a way. There is always a way. It may not be what you planned or how you imagined but if you let yourself dream and believe, your options are limitless.
Arianna Huffington posted something on her Instagram that said something like: “The choice you make today could be the one you look back on in five or ten or twenty years and say, ‘that’s what made me what I am today.’” Don’t quote me on that, I can’t find the original post and it was probably more eloquent then that. But you get the point. Those choices that I’ve made all have a specific feeling to them as well, as I did my best to describe above. It’s this knowing, this deep knowing that is so strong, especially when you release the thoughts and the busy brain and the opinions of others and the stories you’ve heard about this and that and the other thing. It’s something that’s so true and so unique to you that it feels like breathing, it feels like you’re lit up by a million tiny lightbulbs, it fills you with excitement and wonder and joy. Even though it’s scary or makes you nervous - in fact, these are hints that it also may be what I’m talking about here.
I’m slowly discovering that part of my role and purpose here on this earth (at least right now, and this is pretty vulnerable and scary to say out loud) is to help other people realize their dreams and connect to that part of themselves that knows. That dreams. That believes. Whether that be through these writings, or a future book or my coaching or my music or videos art or blogs or whatever, that’s what I know. I will keep digging deeper into this and just doing what I can do. So, know that I’m on your side, and know that it’s natural to feel like your dreams are crazy or unimportant or not for you or all that. I can so relate. It’s about rising above those thoughts and stories, and other people’s thoughts and stories, and spending time connecting with that part of you inside that knows. It’s worth it, I promise. I see you.
What are your dreams? I’d love to hear about them. Any stories to share about following your deepest instincts even when others said otherwise? How did that turn out? E-mail me or leave a comment and let me know, I’d love to hear from you. Also, if there’s anything else you’d like to see me write about let me know as well!
Have the most beautiful holiday and a very very Happy New Year! Love on yourself no matter what. Slow down. Breathe deep. Let yourself be. You deserve it. I’m taking some time off from everything starting tomorrowwww (ahhh!!) and though this is hard for me, I know it’s necessary and I’ll be back more inspired than ever. I love you all so much, thanks for listening and reading and responding and caring and loving me, especially over the last few months that I’ve really been taking risks and being more vulnerable than ever. You’re helping me heal my trust issues. Haha. I’ll be back here in a couple of weeks. Sending you more than enough love to last till then…
xx
Kat
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