I Am Learning
I am learning that when things happen that I do not expect, or that are not what I have planned, that I don’t have to immediately run around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to make it fit. It’s like cramming a square peg in a round hole. If you jam hard enough, yes, maybe it will go through, at the destruction of both the peg and the hole. And that’s a maybe. If you simply take a deep breath and find the round peg, with ease, it will go through.
I’ve been doing this meditation called the inner smile, learned on YouTube by Mantak Chia, a Taoist master. I really enjoy it. He mentions somewhere in the video to do it about 6 times through, or maybe I just made up that number? Either way, I don’t know, but I realized that I’ve been so stressed out in my meditations about getting those 6 rounds in. Sometimes, I’m human and I wake up later than I plan because I went later to bed then I planned. Or sometimes I get carried away with my journalling and start meditating later. Lately, I’ve noticed myself getting pissed off about not getting enough rotations of this thing in, like somehow if I do 3 rotations instead of 6 I’ll all of a sudden have a bad day, or I’ll not be able to function. Like sometimes when I have less time to meditate, I’m like…”OMG it’s not enough. My crazy busy brain and all the shit I’m dealing with right now needs more time or else we will just be in a shitty mood all day and not be able to handle anything that comes our way.”
Well, with all that in mind, I’m sure my day will go great. HAH. (That was sarcastic, in case it didn’t come across in my typing - I was very sarcastic when I said it to myself in my head. lol) I started to realize that with that mentality, I’m already operating from the point that I am less, and that I need to do something to make myself better. So, if I don’t get this in and this in and this in, then I’m like RAGE AND FRUSTRATION AND ANGER AND PAIN because I just won’t be good enough. Oh back to that again, not being good enough. Always comes back to bite me in the ass doesn’t it?
So, I am doing my best to soften around this. Learning that that these practices are FOR ME. Chosen BY ME. To make ME feel better. Any time they are not, and are causing stress, how could they be beneficial? It’s not the practices themselves, it’s the way I feel about them. I hear about people I look up to saying they get up at 4:30am or the amount of time they spend meditating per day and feel like I need to do it too or else I’m not working hard enough at it. I’m like OK I need this amount of time for me to finally fix all this crap inside me, for me to find the peace I’ve been looking for. Meanwhile, I’m gripping the chair and clenching my teeth and spending more time punishing myself for not having the time I need instead of just accepting what it is.
Maybe it’s okay to let go. Maybe my practice is my own and it’s different than what anyone else needs. Maybe I don’t have to be perfect at this. Maybe my days are different - some days, great, I’ll get in a long meditation. Some days, I won’t. Does this mean anything bad? I’m the only one telling a story about it, am I not? Nobody is keeping score. I’m on the edge here, because I see the opportunity to grow. It’s like, if I can do it in this, then I can apply it in other areas too.
God knows nothing is always ever going to go my way. That’s because the world is bigger than me with mysterious forces that do strange things (both things that we consider good or bad - like a breakup, or on the opposite end of the spectrum, golden doodle puppies). And for whatever reason I slept in today. And for whatever reason I was faced with this dilemma that to no one else would even be a dilemma. It’s only the story I am telling about it.
I can’t take it personally when not everything in my plan goes according to plan. And, the better I get at learning to deal with things like this, the better I will get at being more peaceful in my life. And I think this is how I will get that peace I was on the hunt for earlier, not by doing the hour of meditation.
That was definitely a vent-y (Venti? lol yes, it was quite large) and rant-y type freewriting type blog but I am so happy to have written it because it really did help me get through that moment. See, challenges and things that you think in the moment “WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME”, when you let them, and feel all the feelings, can bring growth and change.
So, when you’re learning something new. A difficult part in a song. A hard exercise. Something you just can’t seem to wrap your head around. Know that it’s okay to be frustrated and also not to let the frustration eat you alive. Is doing this bringing you more stress or less stress? Is there any way to soften it by checking out the thoughts going on in your head? Do you feel like it has to be perfect? All or nothing? Remember, you are doing this for you, and you’re choosing to do these things to improve and just continue to keep growing, because that’s what we do in this life. There is no finish line, until we no longer reside in this body. As Abraham Hicks says, “You can never get it wrong, and you’ll never get it done”. We are all beautiful, amazing, works-in-progress. Perfect just the way we are, and eager to experience more in this life than what we already have.
Can you relate? Do you find yourself getting stressed out when things don’t go your way? How do you deal? Do you have any morning practices or anything that helps you find peace? I’d love to know.
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xxKat