Inadequacy

Been exploring this feeling of inadequacy lately. It’s one of those things for me that go layers and layers and even more layers deep. Yes, I know I always talk about how we are enough as we are, and yes, of course I do believe this. I have been saying the “I am enough” affirmation for years and years, so that’s why I’ve been kinda surprised lately that when I notice things feeling icky inside, often the deep root of the icky feeling is me not feeling like I'm enough. I remember hearing long time ago that whenever you feel better or worse than something or someone it’s always the ego. It’s a good reminder lately that when I feel inadequate or better than someone, it’s just my mind, just the ego, not the truth. Then, I can do my best to take some breaths, allow those thoughts to pass, and ask myself how I can find my way back to love. 

I could go on about my past and my childhood and explain why the feeling of inadequacy is a very sticky spot for me, but I have a feeling that going into it will only help to keep it more alive. I will say that one of the things I’m learning from this process is that no matter what I try to contort myself into, nothing is ever going to be enough to make someone else happy, and, even if it does make them happy temporarily, I can’t count on that to fill that empty void inside myself that I feel, even if my mind tells me it will. It helps me to remember that I only need to be enough for me, and that being enough for me does not have any requirements except willingness. 

When I encounter people hurting inside in one way or another, I am so sensitive to that and feel it so deeply. I think since I was younger I always wanted to fix it because of the way it made me feel, so then I’d do my best to jump through hoops and do things like entertain or perform as a way to temporarily stop it. It’s a hard pill to swallow for me to remember that each person’s path is their own, and no matter what I do I cannot control someone else’s ability to allow joy in. And, I don’t have to need someone else to “be happy” to make me feel comfortable. All I can do is love them and be with them, and even if I am sensitive, I’m learning that I can sit with these feelings and let them pass through me. All of this seems to take some weight off my shoulders. It feels vulnerable and uncomfortable and scary to share but I think this means I’m on the right path.

That’s all for now. I feel a bit ramble-y with this and I don’t have it all figured out yet (will I ever anyway? lol) but thought I’d share so definitely please comment or email me here if you can connect to any of this or have anything to add. 

So much love, and yes, I will say this again. You are enough just the way you are. Layer by layer by layer, just keep letting go of all the things that you think you’re supposed to be as they come up. I’m right there with ya. 

xx

Love you love you love you,

Kat