Change doesn't happen without change

So, we got a scale near the beginning of the pandemic. To some, not a big deal. To me however, pure terror. I made a point to keep a scale away at all costs, due to my history of eating disorders and body dysmorphia and all the other sorts of shapes and ways and forms it has taken, but I was like “nah, I’ll be fine”. So it started. Every single morning. Weighing myself. Watching the numbers go up and down was like this crazy rollercoaster ride. There was the split second before I stepped on being like “please please please please be less than it was yesterday”, and some days the thinking of all I ate the day before and dreading it was going to be more, the negative self talk, the tone of my day being set by those little numbers on the scale, down to the decimal. Fast forward a few months. I remember being gently recommended to go down to once a week, as I was mentioning to this person that I was just so tired of it driving me completely nuts and really affecting my days. I told her I wanted to fight her on it, I hated her in that moment (lol), and that there was no way I could do it. Everything in me was deathly afraid to do it because I was so afraid to lose control. We talked about a few other things as well and I felt my perspective slowly changing. It felt scary as hell but I remembered that if I wasn’t willing to see things in a new way, or welcome new, more true beliefs, I could potentially be stuck in the suffering forever. It wasn’t going to go away on it’s own. I needed to do something differently now for something different to happen. I could blame, and shame, and distract, and cry, and yell, and wail, and complain, and still nothing would happen unless I took a step. And deep down, I knew what the right thing to do was when I let myself see it.

As I’ve written about before, when things happen that are unexpected, it’s challenging for me. I so desperately want to be one of those “go with the flow” type people, and I’m working on it. It is getting easier and easier. I also remember doing some work with my therapist about some of my values, and it turned out that one of my values was to experience a variety of things in life. And yet - here’s the breakthrough - that when things happen differently I resist it and freak out. So, perhaps all of this that I’m doing is exactly what I need to do to live the kind of life that feels fulfilling to me. 

I always talk about wanting change, getting better, not seeing things happen fast enough, etc. Yet, when it comes to my thoughts and old belief patterns, there’s a part of me that wants to hold on so desperately. I’ve been having to remind myself that to see change, I must change. I must be willing to open up to new perspectives, see things in different ways, accept that old belief systems and old thoughts and fears and whatever must be changed to see the manifestation in my life. Those old little monsters like to hold on. They are familiar, they are “safe”, or rather, they want you to believe that they are safe. The new ideas that feel like “what, life can be like that?”, usually the ones that are shut down by another thought, “oh that’s not for me”, or “oh, must be nice”, etc. may actually be safer, they just seem dangerous because they are not familiar. 

I’m learning to ask myself if the old thoughts and beliefs are really serving me, and keeping my goals and values in mind for my life when I choose which way to go. It’s important to remember that there’s nothing “wrong” or “right”, it’s all simply a choice and you get to do the choosing. Sometimes our minds just get a bit tangled up and make us feel like we have no choice, and the new things are not even an option. 

They definitely are. We are all limitless beings. As soon as we are able to shed the blame and stories of the past and the whys (and I’m in the same boat here), we realize that right here, right now, there are endless possibilities. The road ahead may not be easy, but for me just the baby step in the new direction that feels more like my truth is already something to be proud of and something to use as fuel to keep going. 

Finally, you don’t have to keep walking and walking. It’s okay to take a break and just enjoy the view sometimes. Your body will tell you. It’s okay to sit back and relax because again, there is nothing, and I repeat, absolutely nothing wrong with where you are right now. 

That’s all for now. Sending you all the love

xxKat

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