Taking Off The Mask

As I write more and more of these blogs, I think I’m learning to give less and less shits. Hah. My mind went off there already thinking “that’s so dumb, why would you say that, what will people think, that’s not who you’re supposed to be,” and so on. Moving on.

In the past I didn’t even realize I was doing this, but I’d tend to write about things that were already kinda dealt with, versus things that I was smack in the middle of. There was something I saw as so shameful about me saying “I have no idea”, or “I’m having a hard time”, or whatever. Sometimes I feel like I need to have it all figured it out before I present myself or share things. (Flashbacks to being a kid, needing to know the answer, feeling ashamed or stupid or being punished because I didn’t. Letting that go now ‘cause it’s in the past….whoooooshhhh.)

K back to now. Am I stalling? I think I’m stalling. I’ve talked about this a bunch of times, and TW to anyone who is maybe going through an eating disorder or body dysmorphia issues or anything like that. It definitely has had its ups and downs, and I so badly want to write a blog saying “I’ve conquered it!” “I love my body now!” “I’ve figured it out and here’s the answer!” But fuckkkk…I don’t. The more time I spend trying to figure it out it feels like I’m running in circles. (Though, I also noticed - well my therapist gently reminded me lol - that I tend to ignore my progress, or see how far I’ve come. With that in mind, I do see how much it has transformed from the periods in my life that it was very very unhealthy. I feel so grateful that I was able to survive.)

Anyway, this is just me saying I’m going through a hard time, and yet… I’m still okay. Maybe this is necessary, it doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong or bad, it’s just that I’m actually facing the truth and admitting things to myself and others I never have before. Maybe this is what healing looks like. The feelings that I’m learning were numbed by these behaviours are all starting to rise up, and I feel myself toggling between the feeling and the numbing and it’s just exhausting.

I don’t have to have all the answers, nor do I have to be the girl who’s figured it out. I wanted to share my progress because it feels honest. I’m kinda sorta proud of myself to have come this far and be able to even share this stuff. I’ve been wearing “everything is awesome” masks for as long as I can remember, and I’m ready to let that shit go. I realize that the more I try to keep these masks on, even subconsciously, it actually severs my connection with other people, because it’s not really me. And one of the reasons I think I put the masks on in the first place was because I really want to connect.

Big sigh. So, there’s me. Sending you all my love, and thanks for listening. It’s okay not to be okay. Just keep holding on. I see you, I feel you, and I love you.

xxKat

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