healthy competition?

peeps. i have a confession - i have a rage-y, dark, angry, ferocious side when it comes to competition. even ask fred - we had to stop playing card games and video games for years maybe because i’d just get so upset when he’d beat me. it definitely triggered something in my past that i was unwilling to deal with at the time. i’d full on get sweaty, red, angry, and start throwing stuff sometimes. it was like one of those moments i was like “where the fuck did i go?” when this wave of emotion took over me and started dictating my actions while i watched and lost control. i used to think it was necessary to “make it” in this world, that it was just the way i was, that i needed it to succeed and be successful.

after some work (okay…a lot of work) i saw recently that this unhealthy view of competition was getting in the way of me experiencing fun things in my life. i wanted to play a freakin’ card game with my boyfriend without becoming upset and ruining the whole evening. i also saw that it was stopping me from trying new things because i was always worried that someone would be better than me. whenever i’d see someone doing something i couldn’t do at that moment, i would get mad at because i’d just put more pressure on myself and think “oh great, another thing i can’t do that i have to figure out”. it would feel like “great, just another person to make me feel shitty about myself”.

this is still an ongoing process, and i simply do my best to notice when that rage-y hot fire part of me comes out. i do my best to breathe through it, accept it, and be compassionate. i grew up in a situation where it felt like i was loved for what i did, how i performed, what place i came in, how good i was at something compared to someone else. it’s no wonder that i carried such pressure with me through my life because that was my way of seeking love.

i’m learning that i am loved no matter what i do or don’t do, and that i am valuable regardless of my external circumstance. that love and acceptance has to come from myself and that’s been my work. i forgive those in my past as i move forward, because i know that they were doing their best and just didn’t know any better.

that being said, i’m starting to see that competition can be healthy. i see that when someone does something i want to do, i can look at it with excitement and see that it inspires me to grow. i don’t have to do it, unless i want to. it lights up new desires in me that gives me things to do in this life. and even if i never get it, it’s really about the journey.

back to this - i’ve said it before, i’m fine right where i am and there is no need to be “better”. we are all enough exactly as we are. thank you for listening.

deep breaths and big hugs. i feel you and i see you.

xx

kat

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