Let Your Chi Flow
I’m at the Hay House conference in Toronto back in 2014. The speaker has invited the crowd to sing together, so here we all are, this beautiful group of people and the sound and vibrations are magical. As I watch myself singing, I catch myself dulling my voice down, singing quieter and feeling ashamed if I start to really get into it and sing out freely. “What the heck is going on?”, I think. I had made a couple friends during the conference, and they are on either side of me, singing too. I nearly cry as I realize this isn’t new for me. I realize that I’m afraid to sing out and sing loud because I don’t want them to hate me. I don’t want them to hear me sing and be jealous that they can’t sing as well. I don’t want to make them feel bad for not being able to do what I can do. I’m putting this all on myself because of some story that I made up or was carrying from my past, that’s actually stopping me from using my full voice.
I talk to my therapist at the time about this, as I want to get to the bottom of it. After some hemming and hawing and me trying to distract from the actual problem, (this happens a lot in therapy for me, lol) it comes out that some people in my past have lashed out at me or made me feel bad or have said that I’m a “show off” or made all sorts of remarks that stuck with me. Somehow I equated singing and fully expressing myself freely with making people hate me or feel bad about themselves so taking it out on me. I’m also very sensitive to other people’s pain, and have been since I was a kid so, when someone would make a mean comment or say something or not want to be my friend, I’d feel the pain and it would hurt me so bad that it was easier for me to suck it all in and pretend that I didn’t know how to sing or that I was a “worse” singer than I was. I’d become really well trained at trying to make people “comfortable”, even if it meant shoving down anything I felt. I barely even noticed the pain I felt anymore when I’d “contain” myself or try to not be “too much” or “too loud” or “too this” or “too that”, it was just always there like a dull ache, or a hum in the room you just get accustomed to. And yet, it would come out in other ways that I won’t get into right now.
My therapist then said something to me that stuck with me. She said, “You know, when I sing in groups, I actually look for people with voices like yours to follow along with. I’m not the best singer and I need someone with more of a handle on it to guide me”. This blew my mind. I had never thought for one moment that my gift and years of work that I’d put in was something that people needed and appreciated.
This is still an issue for me since it takes years to unlearn and repair things that have been with you since the formative years. However, I’m learning that when I am vulnerable and show myself completely (in singing or otherwise), there are people in my life that are actually loving, supportive, and caring. It actually helps me feel completely and unconditionally loved because they do not ask for anything from me, they’re just happy to see me expressing myself fully and being happy on my own. This is new to me, and feel grateful to have began to build a little support system. And, I’m also learning that I can’t do anything if people lash out or get angry or jealous or unkind or whatever when I’m being me. Doing my best to separate from them and not take on that energy, because the only thing I’m doing is stirring something up in them that they haven’t yet worked through. I cannot help doing this. In fact, it’s a good thing, because I’m contributing to self-actualization of people and the growth of the human race, if they so choose to do the work and not just blame me. Or they can keep blaming me, that’s fine, until they realize that I have nothing to do with it. I also am so understanding of this, because I’ve also been in that position.
I don’t know if anyone else has this issue but just felt compelled to share. It helps it get out of my head and onto paper, and I’m actually feeling really nervous and shy about putting it out because I am like “omg what are people gonna think?!”, but I think this is part of it all.
I have to be me now. There’s no turning back. It’s been too painful and caused too much suffering and misery in my life to hide it anymore and every time I’ve taken a step forward into fear or the unknown or into the places that I told myself I’d never go but secretly had a burning desire to do so, it’s always lead to great things. Amazing things.
The places you fear the most are the places that will give you wings. Conquering your fears is the only way to become fearless. I’ve admired those “fearless” people my whole life, but it never occurred to me I could be one, just by slowly doing new things and challenging myself to step outside my comfort zone. I had this idea in my head that certain people are just not afraid and not ashamed and not doubtful and whatever, but that’s not true. It’s not like it takes a “certain type” of person to do that, as I told myself for years. Everyone has the possibility to do it. There are just people who choose to rise above the noise and do things anyway, and people who continue to make up stories and stay stuck and blame and shame and all the things.
I know who I want to be.
Here’s an invitation to all of us. Can we build each other up instead of tearing each other down? When we come across someone fully expressing themselves and it triggers something in us, celebrating that person for inspiring us to do more instead of taking it out on that person because who does that affect in the long run? Can we all choose to rise above our fears and do the things that make us feel like us? Realize that we’re all born with our own gifts and hone them and express them despite what other people think or say or do? And, when we don’t and fall back into old patterns, love ourselves anyway, learn the lesson, and get right back on the horse?
Who’s with me?
xxKat
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