Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! 

I was planning on this gigantic wonderfully beautiful transformed blog entering this year and I’m kinda bummed cause I feel kinda the same. Hmm..but not. Who knows. I’m kinda everywhere right now. Haha. I’m like, am I even ready to be writing a blog again or do I just leave it for another week? I’ve been enjoying all this time off social media and am really hesitant to return lol. It’s really tough huh. Having the time away from it made me see just how much I’ve been comparing myself. Just how much I allow my emotions and self to be taken over when I see certain posts. How it changes my view of myself, how I cannot stay in my own lane, how I feel angry and jealous and envious and all the things I know I’m not supposed to feel. And then I get down on myself because I should “know better”. Well, I think I’m learning to accept all of it and do my best not to attach to it. And when I realize I am attaching, forgiving myself and moving on. It comes in waves, and I’m learning that the more I shove it down and feel like shit because I’m feeling like shit, when I’m not on my own side, when I’m punishing and hurting myself and making myself feel guilty for things I can’t control, it only sends me further down the rabbit hole. 

Anywayyyyy…the holidays were so great!!…And so weird. I feel like I somehow need to play this role of saying “I’m so grateful and I feel so refreshed and blah blah blah”, being the nice and pleasant one but I’m doing my best to resist that because it’s true but not the entire truth. Yes, having some time to rest and watch a shit ton of Netflix and play lots of Crash Bandicoot was amazing. Yet, the whole pandemic part of it was weird, the space to feel the things that I had been using work or busy-ness to mask, not seeing family or seeing them in a quick drive by was weird and maybe even more stressful than the usual whirlwind of the actual family events.There were difficult moments, there were lots of emotions, but I think I was getting better at allowing it all. I was worried about my partner and I being in each other’s space for 3 weeks straight but we made it with minimal fighting. I think I’m finally learning that my stuff is my stuff and his stuff is his stuff and this is such a refreshing awareness that has saved me from so much suffering. We celebrated our 11 year anniversary. 

I guess one of the biggest things I’m noticing as the year turns over, is an even more than usual fear-driven desire to be “better”. To get my shit together, to relax more, to be healthier, to create a more forgiving schedule, to release more music, try TikTok more, all this stuff that starts the year stressing me out. What if it’s just a continuation, rather than this like complete 360? It’s like somehow I believe I need to clear my slate and just become a whole new person but what if that’s just not true? What if I’m fine as I am and this is just more time to play and learn and grow? What if I can just sit and breathe and be enough? 

I realized that the best things I’ve done in my life have all come when I’ve been relaxed. When it’s felt easy and natural. So, maybe this driving force that is so fucking familiar to me that wants to push and force and be quicker and prod and ridicule and manipulate reality can let go a bit. Or, it’s going to be there anyway but I can observe it and not fall prey to it. This feels almost too raw to post and I don’t know if I will but either way I’m proud of myself for even sitting here and writing because it felt like trying to cage a wild animal. I have lots of scratches now and oh boy was it a fight, but I’m here, growling and snarling but I’m here. 

Shit, maybe this is enough. Whatever is in this moment is. I don’t have to be “inspirational”, I don’t have to have something “good” to say, maybe what I feel and what is coming out of me and what is true is more than enough. This is coming into my head right now: “You are always more than enough to be who you’re supposed to be”. Wow. This hit me hard ‘cause I’m like…omg all the things I’m not and I’m stressing out over are because they’re not SUPPOSED to be what I am now, or maybe ever. Another thing was “I can always deal with right now”. So, that’s where I will begin. Now. Now. Now. One beat at a time, one breath at a time, one moment at a time. 

Deep breaths y’all. Life is ups and downs and all arounds. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong or bad, it just is what it is. Take that time to listen and be quiet and still, you’ll always know what to do. Oh yeah, today something else that came to me was this: less thinking, more listening. I think it’s helping. 

All my love, and happy 2021 my friends.
Kat

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