I am Happy. Whaaaat?!

As I sit here in my cozy robe, slippers on my feet that were a gift from a dear friend, in my safe and comfortable apartment, getting to carve out some space to do one of my favourite things ever - writing, I am happy. I am happy. Wait, what?! Honestly, I never thought I’d ever be the person that would say that, never mind feel it. My heart is filled with gratitude, I feel full, and open, and soft. In this moment I know that I am love, I am connected, and know why I’m here. I see all the things that came before, both the “good” and “bad”, and for the first time ever I feel like there’s not a thing I would change. 

Now, this isn’t the case every day but I wanted to document this because it’s huge for me. Both the feelings themselves, and also the sharing of the feelings. I’m learning that this is a huge part of my healing. Recognizing these good feelings, allowing myself to sit with them and also sharing them. It feels weird doing it so I know I’m on the right path. I think something that also helped with this was sharing my thoughts last week when things were feeling pretty low and I was having a hard time. This is a great reminder to me that allowing myself to be honest and feel and share those things maybe helped me get to this place that I can share this too. As I learned awhile ago from the amazing Brené Brown, I cannot selectively numb feelings. If I continuously numb the more difficult ones to feel, then I also numb myself from the joy and the love and all that yummy stuff. So I guess in the same way if I’m not able to be honest and express the more difficult feelings, it makes it impossible to express the other side of it too.

I also remember reading about this in treatment programs I’ve been in, that sometimes that good feelings, the still feelings, the joy and the peace are actually triggering to people that have PTSD like me. I did not believe it. Well, maybe I never thought that I’d actually even get to the place that I’d feel the good feelings so I’m like “meh, don’t need to worry about that!” And now…here I am. The good feelings feel weird, but also exciting. When I feel them, I remind myself that nothing bad is going to happen, I remind myself that I deserve to feel them, that I’m safe, and they are part of life. 

I said in this tiny voice to Fred the other night, “I don’t think I deserve to be this happy”. And he said so easily without any hesitation, “Everyone deserves to be happy. No one is left out.” I melted into a puddle. And this is one of the many reasons I am so deeply in love with this man. 

So, I’ll keep sharing whoever I am in whatever moment I write and trust that it’s enough, for no other reason then it feels good to do it. And *deep breath* I deserve to feel good. We all do.

All my love, 

xxKat 

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