Surrender

Surrender. 

This is a difficult word for me because I used to equate it with weakness. I see a new meaning in it now, one where it is actually true strength. If you’re thinking: “bullshit”, then I urge you to read on. Lol. Surrender requires courage, which means to me, to act from the heart, rather than the mind. I listened to a Gabby Bernstein talk on YouTube just before this and one thing that stuck out to me that she said was: “ask for the good of all versus what you think you need”. Damn. I’ve spend a lot of time asking and wishing for things I think I need to be happy, and then I get very bent out of shape when they don’t come. Today I thought: “OMG what if those things I’ve been asking for, I only think I need to be happy.” It felt so true in my bones I couldn’t not deny it. Then I realized that so much of my energy was being expended asking for these things that may or may not even make me happy, or may make me happy temporarily, and then even more energy dealing with the disappointment and the existential crises that occur when things don’t come exactly the way I think they should. When I imagined asking for the good of all instead of the things I think I need, I felt this immense weight lift off my shoulders, I felt more open and receptive, and a hell of a lot more calm. In fact, I had more energy and was inspired to actually write this (which I wasn’t even planning to) so that was pretty cool.

The reason I say surrender requires strength and courage is because it is actually somewhat “easier” to let the mind rattle off the things and ways and conditions it needs to be fulfilled. “I need a house, to be married within the next year, a kid by this time so that I have enough time for two more by the time I’m this age, I need to meet a significant other by this date at this place and they will be this tall with this job, I need that promotion, I need that new pair of shoes by the time that event comes, I need this amount of followers more than that person, I need this amount of likes on this Insta post to ever post another one, I need…I need…I need…” Does it ever end? And, are any of those actually true? If you’re thinking: “Fuck yeah they’re true”, see what happens if you take a few deep breaths with your hand on your chest, and then ask yourself again. I’m not here to say don’t ever want things or have desires or plan things or enjoy this amazing material world because we have a shitload of fun stuff here to play with and enjoy, I’ve just noticed when I take the “I NEEEEEED ITTTTTT TO BE HAPPPYYY” tantrum-like energy out of the equation, it saves me a whole lot of stress and anxiety. So in those moments where I want to fall back into old patterns, it does take courage to say, “Ok, maybe this isn’t actually the best thing for me or the world right now. Maybe the billions of forces that have run this universe for this long ass time, many I don’t even understand or know, have a different plan than me needing to get a 7pm reservation at that restaurant or for me to make the 3:27pm bus. Maybe when it rains, it doesn’t mean the universe hates me. I laugh inwardly because I see how easy it is for me to fall into those patterns, and I’ve learned to keep gentleness and compassion in my back pocket when it’s particularly strong. This, too, takes courage. Having a solo dance party in your living room (pets much welcomed, if they are there) also helps. 

I love youuuuu and thanks for listening. Please comment or email me here if you connected to this in any way, or just to say hi! Love hearing from you. 

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xxKat