All The Feels
I’m eight years old and I’m so excited to be in tennis camp for the first time. I feel sweaty and nervous holding my pink and green “Head” tennis racket that I chose because it reminded me of a watermelon. I raise my hand nervously when my name is called. I have a crush on the instructor, Garth. He’s so nice to me and has a nice smile with really really white teeth. We start by learning about all of the different parts of the tennis court, mostly what all those white lines mean. He announces that we are to race to the lines, and all of a sudden my hyper-competitive spirit comes raging through my tiny body. I’m going to win this thing and impress Garth. We all line up at the net. “Base Line!” he calls, and I run faster than my little legs can carry me. Next thing I know, I’m face down on the court. All I can focus on is the pounding of my heart in my head, I feel numb and hot and super embarrassed so I quickly stand and brush myself off, not wanting to attract any attention. So much for that. Ten sets of eyes are staring at me, including Garth’s, particularly down at my knee, and no one says a word. Confused, I look down and see that my right knee is completely scraped up and bleeding. Right then, it begins to hurt. BAAAAD. I want to scream and cry but bite my lip instead, telling everyone not to worry and I’m fine. It’s more important to me to make them feel okay instead of expressing the way I’m feeling. They call my parents and I have to go home. Even then, I’d rather be silent than causing a scene. So much for tennis camp.
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I still have a scar on my right knee to this day, and it still feels numb to the touch in that spot. Hah. I’ve spent a lot of time and energy in my life trying to avoid, or rather, numb emotions. I always thought that showing emotion was weakness, and I thought that I had to appear strong if I were to survive. I’m learning that my emotions won’t go away though I try and try (oh boy, do I try) to numb them, they only get stronger and stronger until I give them attention. And, when they build up enough they will eventually come out in catastrophic ways. Also, when I shut myself off from feeling the “bad” emotions like fear, anger, sadness, I also stop myself from feeling and experiencing the “good” emotions like happiness, joy, gratitude. It was an awakening when I realized I was missing out on a whole beautiful part of being human. I understand how difficult emotions can be to deal with, especially when we are given messages like “buck up”, or “get over it”, or “stop being a baby!” I was given the nickname “CryBaby” or “CB” as a child from my family, which STILL brings up pain and shame and fury inside me (working on it) and I hated it so much it made me suck all the tears in whenever I felt them coming so they wouldn’t “win”. I was a very sensitive child (and now a very sensitive adult. Woohoo!). Also, I have Borderline Personality Disorder and PTSD which I learned both make emotions difficult to regulate for me, and make me feel emotions more strongly than others. I used to think if I allowed myself to feel and express them, they would take me over and I’d never go back to “normal”. I thought something was wrong with me, that I felt things so strongly, so I’d disconnect from that “feeling” part of myself in order to fit in and remain safe. I see my sensitivity as a super power now, and as I learn to harness it I’m able to connect with people more intimately, experience the whole spectrum of emotion fully and deeply, and express that through my music and art and performances.
Now I know that it is important to feel emotions and allow them to visit. I’m learning how to accept the way I feel and let it pass through me and breathe, and that I am strong enough to handle these feelings. I’ve learned that a single emotion always has a time limit, it will never continue on indefinitely if there is not another prompting thought. So, if I’m able to focus on simply feeling the feeling and not allowing myself to keep thinking and thinking, it will eventually pass. When I used to try to shove down the feelings more, it would be a constant vicious cycle of me shoving them down by doing something usually unhealthy, and them coming back stronger, and then me pushing more, them pushing back, me creating more prompting thoughts by not wanting to accept them and not wanting to feel them, and I’d end up in a downward spiral in a ball on the floor, or not able to move or leave my bed.
Many people come to me wanting to work on “stage presence” or “connecting to an audience”. I also hear things like “I want to be a better performer”, or “So and so says I don’t sing with any feeling.” To me, all of it comes back to feeling everything. Yes it requires courage. And, if you are not able to connect with these things within yourself, how can you expect to be able to express them to an audience? Sometimes I see people who perform with an emotion, let’s say sadness, but instead of letting themselves feel it and express it, it becomes an act of what they think other people think sadness is “supposed” to look like. Then they wonder why they cannot connect. The audience can always feel when it is not genuine, and it’s important to note that everyone’s version of whatever emotion it may be can look very different. So, it’s about allowing yourself to really go deep and feel these things if you want to take your performing to the next level. I teach techniques that help find your own expression and harness it into performance, and it’s been so amazing to see people transform as performers.
Being a human is hard work, if we are doing it fully and completely. When we feel even those slight glimmers of joy and love and compassion and gratitude and peace, though, all of it becomes worth it. Those slight glimmers eventually string together and create beautiful life experiences.
I love you and all of your feelings. Your feelings are never wrong or too much and you are perfect just the way you are.
If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. Are there any ways you find yourself numbing emotion? Are you able to feel and express emotions? Have you ever thought that your feelings or emotions were wrong or too much or not enough? Do you have any issues with connecting to audiences, or expressing your emotions? If so, I’d love to hear from you and about your experiences. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.
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xxKat