Bleeding For Success?
I am ten years old. I’d been practicing the piano for hours and hours, sometimes under the watchful and critical eye of my father, which was both terrifying and satisfying. I’m practicing a composition I wrote called “Clowning Around” that I’m playing at an upcoming concert and there is this part that has a quick glissando straight into a held quarter note. To do this, I have to run the back of my fingers over top of the keys. I’m so frustrated and angry at myself that I can’t get it, so I keep practicing over and over and over. I keep going until I see blood on the keys. Surprised, I look down at my right hand and see my cuticles bleeding. I kind of want to cry as I realize that I’m in pain, but instead I smile, feeling this strange jolt of excitement, happiness and pride because now I can prove to my dad what a hard worker I am and I think it’ll make him happy. Maybe. Or maybe I feel like I’ve punished myself enough for not being able to get the part and I can stop now.
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Looking back at that girl from where I am now, my heart aches and my eyes fill with tears. She wanted to be the best but wasn’t taught a healthy way to learn and grow. For as long as I can remember, struggle, punishment and pain were equal to success and hard work so how would I have known any differently? I share that story because as a teacher and as a human, I both see and experience many different ways of learning. And, if I have dealt with this “punishment+struggle=success+reward”, then maybe others have too. Now, I see that there is a different, much healthier and more effective way to learn. Instead of being angry and punishing myself for not being able to get something, I’m beginning to create a different dialogue in my head that is less judgmental, kinder, gentler, and approached with curiosity. I have also changed the belief that I have to say negative things to myself like “you suck, you’re never going to get it, goddammit you better work harder on this or else you’re gonna fail” in order to motivate myself to work harder and get better. A very difficult belief to get over was that I won’t get better if I don’t accept myself now. If I love myself and am kind to myself now, I’ll stay stuck and never improve. Or something along those lines.
It’s, in fact, the opposite for me. I find that the kinder I am to myself, the more motivated I actually am to keep working on something, to practice something. Not only this, it makes the whole process more fun, and it actually helps me perform better because I’m more relaxed. When we are in the constant state of “fight or flight”, which is what happens to me when that other dialogue starts because I think I’m going to be punished or hurt, we are in the “animal” and survival part of our brain. This means we cannot access the creative part, which is what we need to learn and grow and improve. Also, if I believe I can do something, if I don’t have the thought “I suck” in my head, and am grateful and respect the work I have done already to get up to that point in time, I am able to master things quicker and better as well.
So all that being said, what can you do? I always say that the first step to change is awareness. Simply watch your thoughts as you begin to do something, learn something, practice something. See if they are hurtful in any way. Do they make your body tense up and feel a tightness in your chest or belly? That is usually a way for me to know I am saying something that is not true. Like, “come on, I should have got this by now”. Ouch, just thinking it makes my body feel like that already. As you begin this, it may be more difficult to notice, but with time, it will get easier.
I’m very passionate about teaching this way as well, building students up with positive motivation and really noticing and expressing to them their talents and areas of strength. And then, we get curious about the areas that they need to improve, and instead of judging them, we are able to discuss . This allows us to more quickly and easily get to the root of the problem and begin to improve. My body still goes into shock remembering some teachers I had, ones who were mean or tough. At the time I thought it’s what I needed to improve, but I see now, that is definitely not true.
If you have more of a scientific mind (as I do as well), there have been various experiments done to prove the power of positive vs. negative words. Dr. Masaru Emoto claimed that water exposed to positive speech and thoughts would result in visually "pleasing" crystals being formed when that water was frozen and that negative intention would yield "ugly" frozen crystal formations.(Humans are what, about 60% water?) There have also been other experiments done with plants, etc. with the same concept. (Google it).
So, to that ten year old Kat with the bloody fingers. I would take her by the hand, give her a giant hug, and clean her up and get her some bandaids. I’d tell her that she doesn’t have to hurt herself ever again in that way and that I love her no matter if she gets the glissando or not. Music is just something she does, it’s not who she is and does not define her self worth. I’d tell her that it’s important to take breaks and relax, to let music be fun because that’s what it’s supposed to be. It is a challenging part of the song and that it makes sense that she can’t do it right away. It doesn’t mean she’s not a great musician or a great piano player or that she doesn’t work hard enough. It only means that it will take a little bit longer for her body to learn how to do it, and each day if she practices a bit and stays committed to it, she will get it. Then, I’d tell her we’re going out for a walk to enjoy the summer weather and get an ice cream cone.
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xxKat