So hard to admit this…
My mom always used to tell me this story about being followed out of a store by a “plain clothes cop” as she called them. I think it was her way of trying to convince me not to steal things, which did not work very well as I used to steal things all the time in my early life. (Not proud.) She told me that even as a child, I was always so determined to get what I wanted. When I fixated on something, I had to have it. This time it was a wallet I had pulled off one of the shelves. That thing was not leaving my hands, and every time she took it away from me I’d just wail and cry and put up the biggest fight. So, finally she decided to take the wallet out of the box, and just let me leave with the box. Since I was now distracted by the box, she finished her shopping and left the store. She was almost at the car and was stopped by the plain clothes cop, who accused her of stealing the wallet. She showed him the empty box and explained. I’m not really sure what happened next, but I still laugh at her laughing while telling that story. God, I miss her.
The reason I bring this up is that I had a realization the other day that I, *gulp*, was kind of spoiled growing up. And…there. I’ve said it. Deep breath. This was a hard ass pill to swallow. As the youngest child, and a pretty cute one at that, it became easy to get my way. I also had a father who taught the art of manipulation and telling people what they wanted to hear to get your way. Though sometimes I think more people saw through it than we thought, if not everyone. Cringe.
Anyway, this thing I carried with me through my life of being able to get what I want has sabotaged me in ways I’m only seeing now. I guess I could even call it entitlement. Huge cringe. And it feels so scary to say it out loud. I never saw myself as an entitled person, hell, I’d even make comments about other people and say “God, they’re so entitled.” That could have been a clue for me because I’ve learned that the things that bother me about others are usually if not always things within myself that I have been not wanting to take a look under the hood at.
I’m learning that this feeling of entitlement, the feeling of “I’m supposed to have this and I don’t”, or the feeling of “If I want it bad enough and yell and scream enough or bargain enough I should just have it” have really caused so much inner turmoil and suffering. And, these thoughts and what these thoughts do to me emotionally actually stand in the way of me doing the work and taking the steps to achieve the things I want. Instead of seeing what others have and being like “I should have that too! Now!”, I’m learning to step back and change my perspective. I don’t know at all what work they have done to get there, work that I have maybe not yet put in, and my feelings of entitlement have been blocking me from! Regardless, I cannot compare, because all that matters is my path. I realized that it’s like somehow my mind tricks me into thinking I can bypass the work and the courage it takes to break through the fear and barriers to get me where I want to be. I’m learning there definitely are no shortcuts, as bad as I want them.
As a kid, I even would only play video games like Doom on “God Mode” or in ways that I could not lose. Because I didn’t want to do the work. Because of that, I missed out on the feelings of accomplishment and self-growth because I thought it was more important to get the goal, and finding sneaky ways to achieve it was this weird sense of twisted pride. Like winning in an invincible suit is the same as winning without it. I’ve done both, thank you Mario for WiiU for not giving me 5 sparkly stars, and thank you Fred for believing in me and telling me I could beat the game. And I can tell you…even with something like a video game, it feels fucking amazing to be able to accomplish something you didn’t think you could - no matter how many times I died and died and wanted to throw the controller out the window.
I’m not fucking perfect and now I’m learning that I do not have to be perfect be loved and to have fun and live an amazing life. The idea of perfection is just something I conjured up in my mind anyway, it’s just another story. And, it’s so much harder to claim to be perfect and then spend all my time putting pressure on myself to live up to this impossible goal, than simply just being. It’s so much easier to say “Shit, I don’t know but I’m learning. I’m making mistakes and growing. I can laugh and have fun with it. I’m human. This is life.” It feels so good to say it out loud, I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops. “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M DOING AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL!!!” Hahaha.
So, that being said, I’m ready to change. I’m excited to see what life looks like through this new lens, and I actually am welcoming more experiences where things don’t go my way and I don’t get what I want so that I can practice dealing with them. Writing and posting this blog and realizations and new awareness is a huge step. I feel it. Lighter. Kinda more sparkly on the inside. Hehe. Listen, I never used to write things that I’m in the middle of figuring out and going through, I used to need a bit of buffer time because I think I was afraid of looking too much like I was falling apart and not having had the time to figure shit out, but it’s kind of cool not to care anymore. I think this is good for me. It’s good practice. And, I know you all will know and somehow I will feel accountable any time I want to slip back into my old ways and my old habits. So, thank you for reading and just know that you are doing me a huge solid just by being here.
How does this relate to music? Hmmm. I guess it really relates to that in terms of me wanting to be an artist or having a certain vision for my career. Instead of thinking “I should have this by now!” or feeling like a failure because it hasn’t happened for me yet in the way that I think it should happen, I can see it just as an opportunity to keep doing the work. And this time it takes to accomplish it will be what makes it feel soooooo good when it happens. Like winning Mario without the infinity suit.
Can you relate? Are there times that you feel like you should have something and you don’t? How does this make you feel? Do you ever want shortcuts, or are you willing to put time in to do the work? I’m curious. If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Keep on keeping on my friends.
Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!
All my love,
xxKat