Be Seen

I’m in grade 5, and I’m feeling more and more stressed out about going to school each day. My body feels weird, my clothes feel weird, I’m starting to get these little boob-thingies and now my sisters say I have to wear a bra which I’m so self conscious of I never wear any light coloured shirts or anything fitted or anything with a loose neckline because god forbid, anyone see the straps or the bra outline. The bra is okay I guess, maybe it’s even kind of cute. It’s soft white cotton and it’s from my favourite store called Jacob Jr., but I’m just so embarrassed of it, especially if any of the boys were to see it. God, I would just die! I’m standing by the portables at recess trying to hold myself like a cool person would. I’m so worried about anyone thinking I look uncool. I just want to fit in and find some friends. I feel like my outsides don’t match my insides, and this is something that feels so normal to me. This is just the way it is, right? I try to say what I think people want to hear, and mould myself into whatever I think they want or need. I feel so lonely, I want people to like me so badly, so that I’ll have friends. My brother and sisters tease me for not having friends. I find it hard to make friends. I guess I don’t really believe that I am likeable so I’m always trying to hide the real me. I know I’m not one of the cool kids as hard as I try to speak, act, and dress cool. Plus, there was “the Incident”. Ugh, I made fun of my best friend’s artwork behind her back and she was standing right behind me, and now everyone hates me. I look at my watch. Crap, ten more minutes of recess. And these damn bra straps keep itching me.   

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I’m in grade 7. I’m feeling pretty good about myself. Somehow me and best friend have figured out how to start hanging out with “The Group”, as we called them. Since we got close about a year and a half ago, we would pass a lot of our time together either talking about hamsters, pretending we were 18/F/Toronto in Yahoo! chat rooms and talking to boys, playing Crash Bandicoot, or saying things like “I want to be cool”, “I want to be in The Group”, and “I want a boyfriend”. We came up with a plan to infiltrate, and boom, here we are standing around at recess being cool. Right? This is cool? I dunno, we’re not doing much. Mostly, I stay quiet because I don’t want to jeopardize my position so I’m afraid to say anything at all. I usually just nod my head and agree with whatever is said, try to laugh at the right times in a non-dorky, controlled way. If they heard me snort, I’d be sooooo embarrassed. When they make fun of someone, I take it further. When they gossip, I add fuel to the fire. But oh my god, the boys actually hang out with us sometimes. The boy I like just casually walks with us sometimes, and the other cute ones actually mingle. This is new for me. I never talk to them and they never talk to me, but still! This is progress! But what is this feeling inside of me? The pangs of guilt for up and leaving a different friend group just like that, and maybe sometimes even talking about them behind their backs. The boredom. The insecurity. The daily fear of being found out. Having to do everything in just the right way. Were these people my friends, or were they just people I stood next to and took pictures with so that maybe people would believe I was worth liking? Or maybe it was for me to believe I was worth liking.

This is is the kinda school picture that I’d write on the back of and distribute to people, trade them for theirs. The pictures in my collection helped me determine my “coolness level”.

I sat down to write this blog and knew I wanted it to be something about being seen. Those old painful elementary school memories popped into my head so I just began typing about them. I’ve never shared any of that before. There is still a lot of shame around it, sadness, frustration, anger. Maybe I can let that go, and realize that I’m human and acting in ways that feel totally wrong are part of that process. Maybe I needed to go through all of that so that I could have the breakthrough I just had. 

Throughout my life, I realized I’ve been afraid of myself. Afraid of really knowing myself. I’ve been afraid of being too much, too loud, too emotional, too sensitive, the list goes on. I’ve had trauma in my early life that I see now lead me to believe things like I am broken, I am messed up, I’m weird, I’m not a good person, I’m not interesting, I’m not worth much, etc. So, no matter who I was with, I would never open up in fear of exposing some part of myself that I didn’t want anyone to see. I felt pressure to always fill the space and make myself seem interesting, always planning the next thing to say, and always worried about saying the wrong thing that would make me excluded. I needed people to like me so bad, because I didn’t like myself very much. I needed everyone else to be comfortable and okay, because that’s when I thought I was doing my job. And, my feelings didn’t matter much anyway. Even when I had people show interest in me, I still would never be able to take it in, because they were liking a version of me that I had created, it wasn’t even actually me. I got so good at doing this, somewhere along the way, the real me hid deep beneath the surface. I forgot about her for awhile. I was so interested in making friends with the “right” people. If it wasn’t “The Group”, it was another group of people, it was someone in the industry, it was this or that or whoever. Making friends and connections of that sort always felt so empty, and I’d be so frustrated because I could never find what I needed. Though this is painful to write about, I believe that it will be helpful in my healing. It doesn’t all just go away, there are definitely still old scars and the old voice and the old thoughts. Slowly and surely, though, I’m becoming more comfortable in myself, trusting myself more, and seeing that it’s the most important to nourish my relationship with myself and show who I am, rather than worrying about the external. There have been very few relationships in my life currently where I have actually allowed myself to be seen, and this is huge for me. (And most of those are probably my therapists…hah). Moreover, I’m actually allowing myself to see myself, and that seems to be the key. The more I accept and love myself for who I am, then I’m able to show myself to others without much or any effort. 

People say “love yourself” all the time. It’s one thing to say, and another thing to do. I’m learning now that it’s not like flipping a switch. It’s slow growth. It’s moment by moment choices and decisions. It’s doing the next right best thing. It’s accepting yourself though sometimes you can’t find yourself, and accepting yourself though you aren’t loving yourself in that moment. I know one thing for sure - it’s definitely not about being perfect. 

So, all that being said, and the whole point of why I sat down to write this, was to continue to remind myself that being wide open like this and allowing myself to be seen is what I want. Whether it be in my videos, my music, my blogs, my art, whatever, I want to continue to find my courage and show myself, because I know that when I do, that’s when I really feel love and connection. And, that’s really what I’ve been craving. I don’t care about being cool anymore. (Maybe a teeny bit?) All I want is to love myself fully so that I can continue to receive love fully and give love fully, no matter what. We’re all human going through our own things that are hard enough. Let’s be there for each other. 

In terms of connecting this to teaching and music, this comes up quite a bit! I’m finding that the more I allow myself to fully and completely be myself, the better artist and performer I am. It’s real. It’s unique. If I’m pretending to be someone else, whatever comes out is simply a regurgitation of stories and thoughts. To be truly unique as a performer and artist requires me to dig deep and really be myself, because that comes from the birthplace of creation, with no filter. It’s coming directly from my insides, from my source, to go out into the world. And, this is me. I’m totally having a breakthrough right now. Haha. So, if you find yourself relating to this, maybe it’s worth getting curious with yourself. And, it’s not because you want to be better or be more accepted (I say this because I have experienced this in my past), it’s really for you. It’s finding out whether you are being who you really are or being something that I think other people think you should be, because being more yourself will ultimately help you live a more enjoyable, fuller, richer life. I also remember doing that in songwriting because I didn’t know otherwise. I’d write what I think people wanted to hear. I realized I actually never know what they want to hear. I know now that I have to write straight from my heart and soul to be the artist and human that I was born to be. 

Whew! That was a freakin’ doozy. Can you relate? Have you experienced love from others as a persona you were putting on? How did that feel? Have you experienced being seen as you are and loved? How did that feel? If you want to read more like this, and stay updated with my latest releases and offerings, please subscribe to my mailing list by clicking here. And always, if there’s anything you’d like me to write about please let me know by leaving a comment or e-mailing me here. Onward.  

Also, if you haven’t already, download your FREE 5 minute vocal warm up here!

xxKat