When You Can't Seem To Do Anything Right
Today I found myself in a very frustrated mood. I had meditated for over an hour, felt good, but then slowly these difficult feelings started to creep in. This made me angry. From there, everything I did just felt like dragging my feet through mud. In fact, I got more angry as I realized that these feelings had been going on for like weeks now. It just felt like no matter what I did, I couldn’t get anything right. This is the feeling that makes me want to give up on everything, throw the covers over my head and hibernate.
My brain just couldn’t understand it. I was doing the same routine pretty much, and the same things that were making me feel so good and inspired and open and loving a couple weeks prior were no longer “working”. This made the frustration even stronger, as I started to tell myself things like: “you aren’t doing this right”, “you’re wasting your time”, “you have been wasting your time”, and even things like “who are you to write blogs and post things on Insta that are inspirational”. “You have no idea what you’re doing”.
As I write this, I’m actually laughing because it’s like “um yeah, I definitely have no idea what I’m doing”. LOL. Does anyone? Aren’t we all just trying our best to navigate these ups and downs and ever changing tides? We can’t prepare for any of this. Well, we can, but it’s almost like a rehearsal or even a dress rehearsal versus an actual show. No matter what, there’s always going to be things that come your way that you did not expect. When this happens in a show, for me, I’m able to roll with the punches, and not take anything personal, and simply throw anything I thought I knew out the window so that I’m able to go with and actually enjoy what does happen. That’s the magic of it for me. Ugh, but does this mean I can apply this to life? When I’m in this mood, I feel the resistance screaming out to this thought as there’s a part of me that wants to just stay in this Moody McMooderson mood and hate everything. Yet, there is another, wiser part of me that is vaguely interested in exploring.
Sometimes I think: “damn, this music making and music playing part for me is easy - why can’t i do the same thing in other areas of my life?” I guess it’s because I’ve spend countless hours on the music, and am not as well-practiced in other areas. Who knows. Who cares?! (See, told you I was in a mood). Deep breaths. Goddammit.
OK. Well, if I applied this to life, I’d probably tell myself that things will come up that I could not have possibly prepared myself for. The meditation and all of my routines are helping me cope with whatever is coming up better than I would have if I hadn’t been doing my practices, and just because things are more difficult now doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong. I’d also probably tell myself that as a human, my energy levels and moods, and hormones etc. are all affected by things I don’t even know, and there does not have to be any punishment for it, because it’s just how it is.
So, the same activity one week could feel easy, and then this week, feel like pulling teeth. This does not mean I’m getting weaker. It’s almost like just the fact i can get through it at all this week, even at 10%, is good. Or - I can throw out that activity all together, if it is not a matter of life and death. I feel like I’m rambling a bit here because I’m feeling a bit blah but damn I guess I’m proud of myself for showing up anyway, and finding the courage to share this. Moving past the “this is gonna be dumb, don’t post anything you write when you feel like this”, and doing my best to simply be honest.
I am not perfect. Maybe it’s showing these parts of myself that will bring me more of the connection that I crave anyway.
xxKat
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