Love Yourself First
I’ve spent a long time trying to be what HE wanted, what HE needed. I came up with this fantasy girl I needed to be for someone amazing to choose me, and constantly failed to live up to my expectations (which were always changing). I was always unsure, always felt like a fraud or a failure, and I was doing this all so unconsciously because I didn’t know any other way. The idea of being someone I was proud of, someone I was happy with, someone that I enjoyed being with, did not compute - not even something that crossed my mind. I’m done with it. Drawing a line in the sand. I don’t need to change who I am to get him to love me. He already loves me. And if he only loves me for someone I’m pretending to be, it’s not worth it.
I’m learning who I need to be, who I was born to be. I feel like I’m starting to discover my worth. Like there has been a chest of gold deep inside me all along that has been waiting all these years for me to find. Whether or not he likes it depends on him. Whether or not he stays or goes depends on him. It’s nothing to judge myself by. It doesn't mean I’m better or worse than anyone. I used to think this sounded cold or harsh, but now I see it as after all the bullshit is cut away we are only left with love. When desperation and ego and needing someone to make me feel a certain way is gone - then we can just have fun, and play, and enjoy each other.
Not that I didn’t go through that need to be with him all the time, incomplete without him, missing him when he got up to pee phase. And there are still times I feel that way, and that’s okay. I can let the addiction to him take over sometimes, I’m human. It’s fun sometimes to forget the rest of the world exists and get lost in him for a little while.
I just don’t ever want to lose myself ever again. I love myself too much for that.
We don’t need to be anything other than we are for people to love us. It starts with loving ourselves just the way we are and knowing that we are enough just the way we are. We don’t need anyone to complete us. We are already full and whole and amazing.
Saturday morning thoughts. <3 Hope you’re having an amazing day.