Studio Party Time!
Feeling so much and so deeply, in the best of ways, seeing all of the people who took time to comment or like my last post. I totally cried each time I read something. Still learning to accept the love, working on self-esteem and worthiness issues. I know that the more I learn to love myself, the more I can let the love in. I do my best to let go of the part that doesn't want to post things because I'm afraid people will think I just want attention or they'll think what I write is dumb or compete self-absorbed or whiny. I'm also afraid of looking weak, or people pitying me. It was very vulnerable to write, and if it were even a few months ago I may not have...but the part of me afraid to be shamed is growing smaller, and the part that needs to talk about the real things is growing stronger. Especially when I read comments that what I say is actually healing to other people. That is easy for me - I can do things when they help others! Help myself? More difficult. It's just amazing how connected we are - we just lose it sometimes with all the noise and chatter in the world and in our own heads. It makes me feel both good and bad that so many people deal with the same things I do and I did... What can we do to change this? I guess... start talking about it more, not letting the feelings and thoughts fester and take us down from the inside. Supporting each other, and letting go of jealousy or insecurity or trying to be "better than" or feeling "worse than". Shining a light on those shitty shadows and making those motherfuckers shrink until they become nothing.
Shiiieet dudes. You don't know much much appreciation and love I have in my heart for you right now. It is full. You all help build my confidence and strength, and help me know that I'm moving in the right direction. So much is unknown right now, and I feel like I'm just running in the dark with scissors sometimes. (A lot of the time). After deciding not to go on the tour this time around, there is a lot of "omg wtf did I do? What's wrong with me? I'm an idiot!" type of things going on. Especially because of how amazing it was/is. And I have nothing but love and respect and admiration for everyone out there, they are and will always be family. Then I remember the ache in my heart, the pull, the voice inside me that said to stay home and deal with myself, learn who I am, continue therapy, work on my relationships here. I jumped right out of real life at 22 and onto the road, right after my mom died. Needless to say, lots of things were waiting for me to deal with at the other end and I continue to deal with them. I needed to do what was right for me, needed to spend time working on my music and my writing and my art and just doing my thing. I was tired of living with demons trapped under the rug, taunting me and sucking my life force dry. (I'm not dramatic, I swear). I don't expect everyone to understand, but I've come to terms with that. I'm the only one that has to live my life. And I've gotten support from all the people that matter.
Anyway. Here is a pic from the studio vocal booth last night working on a track, my most favorite place in the whole world, where I most feel like ME, and where I feel free. Creating on the fly, writing, playing, har-mo-mo-nizing (haha. real word. I made it up.) Where nothing else matters.
The end. For now. "...and she lived happily ever after?" Lol. I guess we'll see what happens.