You know when you look at a photo and you can just be back in that moment? This was Christmas morning, I must have been about 15. I was going through hard times, in the midst of high school, never feeling like I belonged or anyone understood me. Totally hated myself, and felt like I was never quite "there". Always in my mind, anxious, unsure. Feeling cold and light headed. Worried about what and if I had to eat that day and how I'd get it out if I did. Always felt less than my sisters, because they were so beautiful and popular and perfect in my mind. I was the odd one out. Felt like no one liked me. I dressed in ways to express the way I felt on the inside, and it also became a way, even subconsciously, to keep people at a distance. Though I longed for connection, I didn't want to put myself out there, in fear of being turned down, or unaccepted. Putting a lot of my energy into worrying if boys liked me but not ever feeling worthy of anyone, feeling that if I could just find someone they'd save me. Giving away my power. Didn't know I even had any power. What everyone else thought was the only thing that mattered, I shut the part of myself down that told me what I liked, or what mattered to me. So tired of everything about me being wrong.
I wish I could meet that girl now and give her a hug, teach her the things I know. Hang out with her, tell her it's ok to relax and have fun. Tell her that she doesn't have to impress anyone, she doesn't have to worry about what anyone thinks of her. That she doesn't have to be in a "who's more fucked up" pissing match with her boyfriend to make her feel loved.That she deserves to be happy, and that her weight or how much guys want to sleep with her does not dictate her worth in this world. That she and she alone has the power to dictate her worth in this world. That she can do art and music and be loud and take up space, instead of trying to be invisible, splitting herself in two, and cramming one side of herself into the box of trying to get into university for medicine and living up to the expectations of being a doctor like her family wanted, while the other side waits in the dark, starved for attention. That she has something special, a talent, a light inside her that turns on when she plays music or sings and writes, and one day that will allow her to tour the world. That her best friend would eventually become her true love, and they'd have wonderful days together making music and laughing with the 3 cutest kitties ever. And... he already loved her exactly as she was.
I still have my issues of course, but I'm learning to accept myself, love myself, and do things because they make me happy. I can also see how far I've come. And these days, when I feel scared or sad or anxious, maybe I can think about future me telling me the same things I'm telling past me. Yeah, I think that makes sense. Lol.
That girl makes me smile though. I love her outfit, her style and creativity. I wouldn't be who I am without her, it was all necessary. I'm still that girl. And... I wish I still had that shirt, I'd totally rock the shit outta it.