Butterflies and Excitement...
Hi loves. Hope you’re having a wonderful evening!
So, Toy Daggers just released a live video today for a new song called Wolves. Thank you so much for the love, support, and the shares already. It really means a lot that y’all are taking time out of your days to connect and communicate with me, and the band. In the words of Amanda Palmer, we’re sharing energy here, and creating light! <3
Anytime I share something, though, there are always those butterflies, and the nerves. I’ve been working on transforming the nerves into excitement – well, rather changing my perspective on them. I’ve used these nerves or the fear as a reason not to post things and not to share things for way too long. I figured if I felt this anxious about something, it must be bad and I have to stay away from it. With some of the trauma that happened in my early life, I realized that actually kinda lost touch with “excitement”. I didn’t know really what it was, or couldn’t let myself experience it. When I would feel the heart beating faster, palms a little sweaty, butterflies in my belly etc., I’d immediately go into fight or flight and think it was an anxiety attack, or something was too dangerous. I can see now that it served me when I wasn’t safe, but now that I am, these beliefs have just been stopping me from growing, changing, living my dreams, and living the life that I want.
Over the years, I’ve been learning the difference between when something is “exciting-scary” (happens when it’s something new or I’m pushing my boundaries), or when something just isn’t right for me (something that I’m not totally passionate about or something that I just don’t want to do, or isn’t good for me). It’s tricky sometimes to tell the difference. One thing that has helped me is really centering myself, grounding myself, and only making decisions when I feel calm and grounded. Not pressuring myself to say yes or no right away, even if someone is pressuring me. Always giving myself time and space to make the right choice. Also, I do my best to pay attention to my body and how it feels, really noticing whether something makes me feel “expansive” or “contracted”. Does my heart feel like it’s jumping out of my chest, does it make me stand taller, shoulders back, chest out? Or does it make me feel small, like I wanna shrink or hide? Does it cause my shoulders to hunch over and me to drop my head? It’s a little hard to explain, but once you start paying attention to how you feel, it does get easier and easier.
Life is all about doing what makes you feel GOOD. You deserve it. And this bit of self-exploration has been a huge step for me in helping me follow my dreams – maybe it will help you too. I’m right here with you – as we grow and change, we will hit these places that feel uncomfortable. It’s part of the journey. It’s about deciding to do something anyway, if it supports the person you want to be, and letting it go if it’s something that pulls you away from that. And, though the video we put out gives me butterflies, I know now I’m just excited about it and all the other things we’re going to release this summer.
Thanks for reading if you made it here. <3
So much love and excitement,