Kimmel, Change, and Being Seen
It's been awhile since I have written a post. It's been a whirlwind the last little while, and I'm just starting to feel somewhat "normal" again. Well, more like life has been torn up into a million pieces, shaken about, and the pieces are just all starting to settle, landing in all completely different places. Ah, so this is what change feels like. The Kimmel trip to LA was super awesome, getting to see and play music with all the lovely souls again... and pick up some killer black lipstick! 😉
Yet, the travelling and red eye flight on the way back home totally drained me dudes. I'm like a zombie not knowing where I am or what I'm doing for about a week after a trip like that. Plus, I went straight into the studio with Toy Daggers when I got home for a couple days straight, taught a bunch of lessons, and I haven't even gotten unpacked yet. Lol. Tomorrow. I'll get to it tomorrow. That being said, sometimes trips like that and the break from the norm do cause shifts in me, changes of perception, and tons and tons of tears and snot. (Yep).
Rising from the ashes, one of the things I discovered about myself is that am terrified of being "seen". I didn't want to believe it! I was like "No way! I'm a performer! I love when people watch me play and sing!" Yet, deep down I have a lot of deep insecurity - about what people think, what people will say, what might happen. I guess it never really does go away, we can just get better at handling it. It's just a part of being human. When I'm leaving my comfort zone and doing things or looking at things in a new way of course there's always going to be that nagging voice in the back of my head being like "Um so we haven't done this before, we should probably stop!! It could be dangerous! We could die!!" I must remember it's just all part of the growth.
When I'm on stage I feel free - I can lose myself in the art and the music and forget about what I'm supposed to look like or be like. Forget that people are actually even looking. I think I just may be more comfortable in front of big crowds than one on one. Because when I'm one on one there's no noise, no distraction, nothing to hide behind. No wonder intimacy is such a b$#%&. Hah! Yet I know that intimacy is where the sweetest nectar of life lies. And usually the difficult work and inner exploration leads to uncovering some amazing jewels. I also learned that a lot of my depression comes when I'm not letting myself be seen for who I really am, when I'm not speaking my truth, when I'm hiding and keeping it all inside - just rotting away.
I love what Amanda Palmer says in her book, "The Art of Asking". (You should totally check it out, it's an amazing read.)
"There’s a difference between wanting to be looked at and wanting to be seen.
When you are looked at, your eyes can be closed. You suck energy, you steal the spotlight. When you are seen, your eyes must be open, and you are seeing and recognizing your witness. You accept energy and you generate energy. You create light.
One is exhibitionism, the other is connection.
Not everybody wants to be looked at.
Everybody wants to be seen."
This is the "seen" I'm talking about. I want more of this. I'm deathly afraid to even admit it but it is definitely exhilarating. My heart is beating fast, my palms are sweaty and my breath is shortening. This is where fear and excitement collide. This is the magic stuff. With my history of trauma, I'm learning that it makes so much sense that I am so afraid to be seen. I'd rather be invisible, and hide, because I didn't have a safe home when I was growing up - this was the best way to stay safe. Now it doesn't serve me - it's hurting me more than it's helping. I'm ready to forgive and forget and let it go - at least start working on this and moving in a positive direction. This post, right here, is already a giant step in my healing. I'm being "seen" right here. So thank you for sharing this with me.
I've gotten a new wave of inspiration to share even more of myself, put things out there and stop waiting for the "right time"...or "perfection"...or when I'm "ready"...or whatever else I tell myself. Now is all I got. I am doing my best to release all the stories that discourage me from following my heart and sharing all my quirks and flaws. I am learning to accept them and honour them all, because any self-criticism is just a form of self-hatred. And we know I'm all about the love babies. 😍
I encourage you all to explore your own uniqueness and allow all the parts of you to come to the surface. Know that who you actually are can never be broken, and that by speaking and living from your heart and soul, you're experiencing life in the fullest way possible. And, don't watch the haters...people only talk sh*t when they are insecure about themselves. It has nothing, and I repeat nothing to do with you. Forgive them and know that they are going through their own thing, and are only reflecting onto you any insecurities they have in themselves. Sending you lots of love and strength on your journeys! You're all amazing and beautiful no matter what and I love you all just the way you are.