New Year, New You. Yes You!
Greetings from my apartment. Right now I am sitting on my couch in my burgundy velour slippers with a huge bow on them, my favourite light green Dream pants (these really killer yoga pants), and a navy blue bamboo tank top. I look around and see my three kitties sleeping peacefully around me amidst the chaos of candles, video games, yoga stuff, file folders, instruments, music gear, boxes, a baby album, cat toys, a huge piece of wood that came off our radiator, a bike, bags galore by the front door, DVDs, a foot file, manicure stuff, etc. Not the most pleasing sight. Inside the closet I know there are bins of clothes and shoes and things that I have sworn I don’t need but am holding on to still just in case (of what? I don’t know). I can’t decide whether or not to eBay them, sell them on Craigslist, find homes based on people I know, or whatever, and I’d rather not make a decision so they just sit there, making it impossible to use the closet for anything without squeezing my body into the tiniest crevices and maybe reaching a pair of shoes. They also give my cats something to play on, at least. Anyway, it’s all causing me to feel shame and embarrassment talking about it, and you can’t even see the place! I guess it’s the thought of appearing imperfect, vulnerable, or the fact that after all I’ve done in my life I can’t even maintain a home I’d be proud of. The worst part of it all is that I know I created it, every thing is placed where it is because of me. See, we just moved in (well, in November) and somewhere along the way I kind of just stopped trying to improve. I took some time off for the holidays and thought it would be the time for making this place into a home. Didn’t really do a thing. Life happened, unexpected events, emotions, feelings, sickness, what have you. Fred has been moving some things around and opening boxes but I’ve been sitting around like a bump on a log, unmotivated to do anything because the pile of stuff around me seems overwhelming, and the thought keeps replaying that I’ll never have it the way I want it in my head anyway. Maybe I’m afraid of it and I keep pushing it away. Maybe I don’t want it to be clean because it will stop being a distraction. Maybe I actually don’t know how to feel comfortable and safe in a home because I’ve never had that. I don’t know, but it does feel pretty good to admit just that.
What now? Well I just read some Astrology stuff on Mystic Mamma yesterday and did some yoga, that seems to always help me in some way, shape or form. I also went to therapy today and cried myself inside out and did some inner child healing that was super intense. After the exercise, my therapist goes (and I kid you not) “that’s some good shit!” with a giant smile on her face. I love her. I realized this past weekend was a full moon (which makes everything make so much more sense) and read that this time is really forcing us all to examine the old (beliefs, relationships, jobs, thoughts, etc.) and choose which ones to let go of, or keep with us. I guess for me I felt like I finally had permission (from the Universe, perhaps) to release these old things that have been holding me back – feelings of not being worthy, feelings of fear, feelings of not being good enough as I am, feelings of needing punishment to learn from my mistakes. I also saw clearly today that I somehow expected my place to change, get cleaner, better, and more like home, without me doing a single thing but complaining and being upset. I can’t remember where I heard this, but I love it: “If you keep doing what you do, you will get what you’ve always gotten.” If you keep punching yourself in the head, you will never get rid of the headache no matter how much you complain. If you keep telling yourself you’re not good enough, you will never have the courage or strength to follow your dreams. And if I keep pointing the blame and not spending time actually cleaning and organizing, no matter how much I complain, I will never live in the environment I dream of in my head. I don’t live in hotels anymore. I can’t just leave a mess in my room, towels on the floor and the bed unmade and expect it to magically be clean when I return. I realized I must actively create time and space in my daily and weekly routines to clean, to organize, and that it won’t happen overnight. It’s going to be a series of small shifts that cause lasting change. I also have to be compassionate for myself, and be gentle. I spend a lot of time being angry and upset that I just don’t know how to have a beautiful home already. Everyone else seems to. I like to think of myself as a pretty smart person, why can’t I just do this? However, when I think of the kind of life I’ve had the past 5 years, on the road, in constant hotel rooms, moving, traveling, it’s no wonder I’ve never developed a routine to care for my home. I’d never even noticed I didn’t have these skills prior to that, because I’d gotten so used to living in the mess, I was afraid of organization and cleanliness, didn’t feel like they were “me”. Well, “me” has now changed, and is a work-in-progress. Change is the only constant. I guess I’ve seen what beautiful spaces can feel like, can look like, and just realized that they were all once just blank space that people like me brought to life. It makes it feel a little less impossible.
So why share this with you? I felt that sharing something that I’m actually going through right now could bring us closer together. I’ve realized that I’ve been craving connection, and we all do, it’s what keeps us here and is part of being human. Will you judge me? That’s up to you, I guess, but I’m learning not to be afraid of it because the judgment actually has nothing to do with me. I hope that you feel that too when you speak up and out about things that feel a little scary or you worry what people think. I also know that everyone on this planet has something they are working on, something they’ve been struggling with, things that they want to leave behind to make space for the new to flow in. I’m using my apartment as an example, but the concept applies to anything you want to change, any beliefs, relationships, habits, etc. that you’re ready to set free that will help you become more of the person you desire to be. Why are you holding on to it? Are you afraid of the unknown? Does it feel like it is part of who you are? What would it feel like if you were to let it go, like a weight off your shoulders? Another thing that helps me is when you think of an object, a person, a relationship, a job, a belief, etc. does it support the person you want to be or does it hold you back? Do you feel expansive, bright and sparkly, or contracted, dark, and small? You deserve to feel good about everything in your life and this will support your quest in becoming the person you want to be. Nothing is impossible. Now is the perfect time. Now is always the perfect time. It’s never too late, and you’ll never feel totally ready. My advice is to start with tiny changes or habits and to celebrate small victories. For example, some things that I’ve already done to help with my cleanliness habit are trying to throw out packaging or wrappers or tags right after I use them. While this may seem like an obvious thing to some, my habit was to just leave them on the table, on the floor, on the counter. Another thing was unpacking bags of stuff I brought in the house like groceries right away (even if my mind said, “just a few minutes”, or “it will be fine for awhile”). Too often, they would sit there and I would get busy with other things and then I couldn’t figure out where they were or forgot to put the 10 dollar pint of coconut ice cream in the freezer.
I know that the New Year brings lots of pressure and expectations to make “resolutions” to completely change the person you are. I know I struggle with this, feeling like I need to go from zero to master overnight of whatever I choose. Then I go and compare myself to people that have what I want and make myself feel less than and jealous, not even thinking that they may have been working on that thing for years and years, or have been blessed with the talent for being good at something. I forget to be grateful for my talents and the things that I’m good at that I’ve been working on for years and years. I find that the New Year quickly goes sour, when you realize you can’t get what you want overnight. Me, I expected my apartment to magically transform at the stroke of midnight. Since that didn’t happen, I’m going to try taking as much time as I need to make the changes, knowing that life and growth is an ongoing process and I am not in any rush to get anything done. I must take time and enjoy each day as well, and make my time as easy and as comfortable as possible. In the past I would have blocked out two days to clean everything in the house and organize the magazines and donate my clothes and sell my stuff on eBay and wipe down the glass tables and paint the bathroom and paint the kitchen and scrub the floor and do laundry and get new sheets and a new bed frame and a new dining table and Craisglist the stuff in storage, and buy new pots and pans, and go through all the unpacked boxes, and organize the linen closet, and put up shelves in the bathroom and…you get the idea…and I would have given up and been upset that it all wasn’t done. Perfectionism, anyone? Truth is, there is always going to be that voice telling you that there’s more to do and you can’t be satisfied no matter how much you accomplish. The only way to set it free is to not let it control you. You can treat it with love and appreciate the fact that it is only trying to help you. You can soothe it and tell it that you don’t need it right now, that you’re okay and that it’s safe to be happy where you are.
That felt good to get out. I really hope that this helps you with anything you want to change. You deserve to be whoever you want to be, without limitations. Only you have the power to decide your future if you let it and stop pointing the blame. The second you take responsibility (the ability to respond) for your life, the whole world is in your hands. You become unstoppable. I believe in you, I love you, and I wish you nothing but the best. We’re in this together, and we are all doing the very best we can with what we know now. Each day, the world opens up a little more, we learn new things, meet new people, and expand our possibilities. We can’t be upset we didn’t know better, because we just hadn’t unlocked it yet. Fred always compares these things to video games (which I both love, and hate. Maybe I just hate that he’s right). It’s like in certain games when special moves are unlocked as you progress through the game, and in earlier levels you could have totally used those special moves to get through that level easier or get special items, etc. However, you can’t be angry or upset with yourself for not knowing that move earlier when you first played the level…or even if you did know the buttons to to make the move happen maybe you wouldn’t have the skill to use it properly yet. It took the journey through the different levels to gain the power and skills to unlock the move and be able to perform it. Then, the earlier levels that seemed hard back then become a breeze. In life, we “unlock” new awareness everyday, learn new things about ourselves and how we want to navigate and experience life. We can’t look at a previous situation and kick ourselves for not doing what we know now, because if we did know, we would have done it! Every situation we face are meant to teach us lessons, bring us the awareness, and are all necessary and important to make you the person you are. Anyway, for those of you that don’t play video games, you may be thinking wtf? but I took a chance.
Oh I just keep going on and on! I think I must have missed you. ;) Aww. Anyway, here's to a beautiful beginning of the New Year. Stay strong, and I know this will be the best year yet. I've got lots in store, and I'm bursting at the seams with all the new stuff from Belle Ayre and everything else. Don't know if I mentioned it but one of my intentions this year is to connect even more with you all...I've felt scared in the past about asking, but now, I'd love to know...how can I do this better?? How can we connect even more? Leave me some comments and love below, I'd love to hear from you. Also feel free to subscribe for updates and love from me straight to your inbox. I'd love to know you more than I already do, and my desire is to create a community where there are no doors and everyone is welcome. YES. Let's do this.
Lots of love, and keep shining like the beautiful angels you are.